So that article really speaks to me. It was drilled into my head growing up (by family, church, community, etc.) that I was subhuman, inferior to others, and a monster. Especially when it came to sexuality and gender. I still can't accept my sexuality and gender and have never acted on it. That's what my best friend from ages ago told me after I came out to her: just don't act on it. It's difficult going throughout life avoiding any and all people you find attractive. My biggest fear is for someone (any sex or gender really) to find out I find them attractive. That I had a sexual thought about them.
From the article in particular:
Quote:
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Usually they settle for a “good enough” relationship, where both parties are highly unhappy but are too weak, in their own way, to pursue true happiness. Sometimes, again, it’s because they believe they don’t deserve anything else. Also, the relationship is a decent way to cope with all the unbearable painful feelings that come up when the person is alone.
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I was in a good enough relationship. It wasn't sexually satisfying and I was selfishly having trouble coming to peace with that. But the companionship aspect was lacking too...I know especially in the past few months or more he wanted to avoid being around me because he didn't know what mood I'd be in. But overall, if I went to a party with him or went out with just him I'd often be ignored, and I almost felt like a nuisance if I stayed around him at a party. By and large, these were his groups where he knew people and related to them (or at least better than I did) so I'm just listening to their conversation or awkwardly talking to people that are strangers or that I'm not comfortable with. The one time that got to me was when we went to a bar, just the two of us, and he ends up having a long conversation (an hour maybe?) with a complete stranger while completely ignoring me. I could understand a chance encounter with a friend that he hadn't seen in ages, but a stranger?