I'm so sorry for creating another thread but I feel the need to vent and I have no I can turn to. My circumstances are killing me, both literally and figuratively. I became disabled at the age of 19/20 because of a chronic disorder that ruined all my chances of being 'normal.' For the last nine years I lived a life of isolation, taking care of my grandmother who had dementia. It was hard, by the end it was almost impossible to sleep because she would wake up, get out of bed and walk around the house, it was dangerous because I was afraid she would fall, hurt herself, so I was always sleeping with one eye open. Yes, it was hard but we loved each other and that's all that mattered. We were never rich but we lived comfortably with her retirement income. I fed her, bathed her, dressed her, medicated her, my world revolved around her and I didn't mind. One day, out of nowhere, she felt sick. I didn't think too much of it because she had felt like that before. Most of the times it was her blood pressure acting up. I got us a taxi and I took her to the hospital. On the way to the hospital my chest felt tight and I immediately knew this time something was definitely wrong. I held her and told her to promise me she would never leave me and she did, she said " I will never leave you, sweetheart" as she hugged me. That was probably our last conversation where she was fully conscious. We got to the hospital, they took her inside and didn't let me in. I spent two hours waiting, trying to get some info on how she was doing but everyone kept telling me I had to wait. Finally, after almost three hours, a doctor came outside and told me she was having heart surgery because she had a heart attack and needed a Bypass. He was straight forward and told me there was the possibility she would die during the surgery because she was too weak. At this point my mother had already arrived at the hospital and I just remember sitting outside and crying. She survived the surgery and I was allowed to see her, she was still kinda confused from the anesthesia and asked me to please take her home. That broke my heart so much but I was able not to cry in front of her and I told her she had to stay because she was sick. I told her to do everything they told her to so she would get better quickly and go home. My heart broke, it felt like I was talking to a frightened child... She was in a special unit at the ICU so visits were very limited. I visited her the next day, I called her name and she mumbled my name back, from then on they kept her sleeping. On my third and last visit she wasn't responding anymore, her kidneys were failing, her blood pressure was too low... The doctor talked to me and told me he was almost sure she wasn't going to make it. I don't even know how to describe how I felt, I just fell on the floor, crying. She died the next morning. Time has gone by and I still miss her, part of me would like to believe her promise, that somehow she's still looking out for me but the circumstances say otherwise. I'm living with my mother and her income alone isn't enough for the both of us. We're starving, we have no money to pay for the rent of August or any of the other bills, sooner or later we will have no water or electricity. I sold everything I had for some money, I sold our toaster, our microwave, my cd and book collection that I was so proud of. All I have left is this computer and a phone that I can't sell because they have both screens severely damaged. I also need my phone because I'm looking for a job. This situation is getting me even more depressed, I've run out of my medication, I'm hungry and I'm desperate for a chance. I've been responding to job offers left and right, around 50 a day. YThey call me back and the same thing always happens, we talk, they like me and when I mention my disability they find a way to say they will think about it and will give me a call later, of course they never do. I created this post because I need to share these feelings with someone, otherwise I'll have a breakdown, I'm at my wit's end. I'm so ashamed to admit I'm starving, that I'm struggling so bad. I'm a failure. You guys have no idea the horrifying solutions that have been going through my mind. I feel so, so alone, there's no one I can reach out to, absolutely nothing. I'm sorry for being a bother.