I went to my session with the new T today and it went better than previous sessions but I started to feel a connection and now I’m scared. It was a light session, we kinda just talked about funny stories from our pasts...it was good because I knew nothing about new T, and that bothered me because I know so much about S. I don’t do well with the “blank slate” therapist approach.
The connection feels good in ways and feels like something I need, and then I remember how much it can hurt me and I start to panic. I want to keep distance so badly and I feel like she’s reeling me in. I know it’s purposeful.
The best thing she did/said today, though, was that she will give my negative behaviors very little attention, if any. A response to me writing about my urges to self-harm and self-destruct to get attention because I like negative attention, no doubt. I want to “test” her, but that’s my BPD/emotional mind talking, and I know it. I’m refraining from doing it. I keep telling myself that 1. It won’t fix anything, 2. It will likely make things worse, 3. It could jeopardize my future and a little bit of attention in the short run isn’t worth not fulfilling my dreams, 4. Falling apart isn’t an option, and just because life is rough/I have a lot of stressors right now and don’t have the therapist I want doesn’t mean I get to fall apart.
I’m starting to see the progress S helped me make in action, I think. I’m in distress, but I’m tolerating it...and that’s DBT I guess...