Well that was a session.
When I got there, the stone he had chosen for me was on my seat. I picked it up, put it on the table and thanked him.

I started by talking about the feeling of connection at the end of last session and how I had had a good week. I told him about how his offering me his toy had made me feel, and touching his hand etc. I wasn't getting much back from him so I decided to move onto the dream I had emailed him.

In the dream I had been going uphill on a scooter and we made an interesting connection to therapy. At first I was accompanied but then had to go it alone. But I was still frustrated and feeling like he was being non-responsive. (it's a feeling I've had with him before.)

I told him I felt he was acting different. He just looked back at me. I said "I don't think it's just me" he said "I believe you!" which upset me because it felt like he just didn't give a s***. I scoffed and sat back. He said "I just don't know what to do with it." I said "don't do anything with it". He sat forward like he was going to start analysing his behaviour. I said "You don't have to do anything with it". He said okay and sat back.

We sat in silence. He asked what I was thinking. I said "We have been here before, it is boring". More silence.

He said "So I am thinking, if this feels repetitive, like we are just in a pattern, what can we do differently?"

I said "I don't know, do you have any ideas?"

T: When you asked me that question, I my fantasy was to arm wrestle. I'm not saying we should.

Me: That reminds me of on PC a couple of years ago when there was a thread to post a picture which represents the therapeutic relationship and I posted one of a little girl and a grown man playing chess. They are both competitive fantasies.

T: Well we don't have time to play chess.

Me: Are you saying we should arm wrestle?

T: I've never arm wrestled with a client before. It would be pretty unfortunate if one of us ended up with a dislocated shoulder.

Me: You're too sensible sometimes.

(All this was quite lighthearted).

Then I went quiet and felt sad. T asked where I've gone. I said "I've retreated, I've gone into myself." I looked at him and said "I feel sad, my eyes are burning". He said "I thought you looked tearful. He said "what do you need?" I said "a hug" and we stood up and he hugged me tight. We sat back down again. I noticed there was 5 minutes left. I was still tearful.

T said it seemed like we were being quite playful just now, then you became upset. He pointed out that I also became frustrated during the dream discussion at a point we were being playful. I said it's like something is going on which is unspoken.

I noticed that I was trying to analyse the competitiveness of the fantasies but that was making me more tearful and it was like my child part was telling me I was being too analytical and I was missing something. I wasn't sure why I had become upset.

I told T if he has anything to say, to say it now because we were about to finish. He said he was worried about ending here, while I am upset and feels this is happening too often. He referred to the email where he had said about making an effort to connect at the beginning of the session and said he was open to suggestions about how we do that. I said I would think about it.

Before I left, we hugged again and I said "I love you". He sighed.