I agree on the family therapy. I was going to suggest that.

You all need to sit down, together, with a therapist to talk about what's going on. I'm sure it'll be an uncomfortable thing to do, but I personally think that's the best way to handle the situation, especially since your son is 18 and almost ready to leave the nest. He needs help before he lives on his own.

I personally would have the same reaction as you. I'd have a "tantrum," as your wife calls it. But she is right that having that reaction doesn't help the situation. The angrier you get at each other, the worse the situation gets. So maybe if your son does that stuff again, you could call your wife and walk away (if possible) if you know you can't handle the abuse toward you. But a therapist, even if you're in a 1-on-1 therapy environment, could really help teach you how to diffuse such situations. Your son is a trigger and you need help to cope with those triggers, even if he is 100% at fault. But again, I'm in the same boat and I 100% understand your situation.