Short recap of last session since I didn't write anything about it and it's relevant: On Friday, I had a flashback while in session and told my T. He proceeded to be quiet and not say anything until it was over. At that point I then felt like he abandoned me, got upset, sad and angry. I asked him why he didn't say anything and he said 'I don't know' as well as that I can't always blame other people.

So, today, I got there and sat down in my usual spot. T didn't start as usual, instead he said he thinks it would be good to talk about last session, whether I was okay with that? I said yes. He asked what I thought about it. I replied that he hurt me a lot, that I was very upset about it. He wanted to know how he hurt me and I said by not talking to me and essentially abandoning me. He answered that I already said the same thing last week. And that he replied that he didn't know why he did that and that I shouldn't always blame others. He told me that he at some point before that got confused and lost, and then he realized I was angry with him, so he took that feeling and got angry too. And then he got defensive and said things he probably shouldn't have. That he should probably have told me that he's confused or should have asked for clarification and so on.

We talked about the fact that I had also told him at some point that he should talk less. So what should he have done? I said that how much he talks depends on the situation. And that I have a hard time just talking, I like to be asked questions and feel like he listens to what I say somehow (which he has to let me know verbally somehow, because I rarely look at him). He told me he should have probably asked about the flashback, like what I was experiencing or seeing. But at the time he wasn't sure whether I was upset and needed to calm down (in that case he should not talk to me, we agreed on that before this happened) or whether I was just telling a story. He said that feelings can get very intense during therapy, for me as well as him. That sometimes I see parts of me in him, but he sees parts of himself in me as well. And that then sometimes things can get out of control, especially if people are angry. But his job as a therapist is to keep his emotions in check and to not just lash out. Somewhere in this discussion, I also told him that sometimes I worry because he seems affected by the things I tell him a lot of times. So sometimes I feel like I shouldn't share certain things to not upset him. He answered that I can talk about anything I want with him. That's the rule. There's rules in therapy, one of which is that we can talk about everything under the sun and I don't have to think about how these things might affect me, he has to deal with that.

After some time where none of us said anything, he asked what I was thinking. I said 'a lot'. He: 'Like what?'. As soon as he asked, everything vanished out of my head, which I told him. He said that happens sometimes. I said I was sad. Probably because I was scared before the session. 'When you were traveling here?' Yes, but also already in the morning and yesterday evening. I was scared that he'd still be mad. Or that he wouldn't want to talk to me, or even worse would say he'd terminate me. 'Your thoughts go there very quickly, huh?'. He said that was probably because I had that experience with a whole lot of people. That I unconsciously repeat this pattern of making people mad and then at some point they leave because they can't deal with it.

He asked what I did to not be so scared. I said I try to tell myself that he said he'd never just terminate me. And that so far we have always talked through such situations and it was fine. But somehow it still doesn't calm me down. He replied that it's important that I feel I make the experience that we can work through it. That this will repeat a lot and at some point I will feel okay with such situations.

Whether there was anything else I'd want to talk about? I said not really, this was the only thing on my list for today. I was sad for a few days after this had happened, and I felt like I couldn't get anything done because of it. He said he thinks it's important that we talk about these things, that's why he brought it up. To which I replied we would have talked about it anyways, because it was the only thing I wanted to talk about. He told me he thinks about his clients after work. He takes notes on what he thinks is important and whether there's something he needs to talk about next time. That that's his job. And that some people say he's just doing this for the money, but there's much more to it. He continued to talk but I interrupted him and said I don't think that anymore (I had said something like that when I started therapy though). He replied it's good if I feel that way.

Then we quickly talked about how news affect me. Especially the fact that I react to bad news very strongly, and even if I have heard them a thousand times I act like it's new to me. I will every time think the world is coming to an end. But if there's good news, which could give hope or similar, there's never a very positive reaction to it. He told me some people with BPD will go off in the other direction and get all euphoric when receiving good news. I said that sounds nice, but he disagreed and said that's not good either.

Then we wrapped up, while I collected my things he told me again that there will be a few times in therapy that he hurts me and that we can always talk about it and manage to get through, and that he's glad we talked about it.