I'm sure everyone here is sick of hearing about all my issues with CPS and such, but I was finally able to make a therapy appointment. I had filled out an appointment request form online (which did indicate she took my insurance) and did add a note saying I need therapy ASAP though I didn't explain why, and she called me actually while I was in the pdoc's waiting room She had a cancellation on Monday morning, actually. So I've got an appointment on Monday. I'm still going to get on the ED therapist's schedule when she gets back into the country because those are hard to find as nearby as she is. But I am hoping this at least shows the CPS I am making some effort, and also I do need someone to talk to as you can see by the length of my posts here.

I had a horrible, severe panic attack driving to see the pdoc though. It was one of those long lasting ones that lasted around 1.5 hr. Even though it is not easy, I do recognize all these sensations as a panic attack, not an emergency, and while not ideal, I can function at a basic level through them though I'd most like to just lie down and concentrate on breathing, but now that is not helping me much either. Usually not with driving as much as I did today, but I've been driving to that same clinic for 10 years from this house (around a 25 minute drive), and I can basically do it on autopilot, and I do not find it a stressful or panicky driving route (as driving into downtown Houston would be for me). The pdoc had not yet gotten the CPS stuff; he was very casual about it, which hopefully means in my case, he is not concerned. I also hope this indicates CPS does not feel this is a pressing, emergency case.

I was finally able to give the pdoc the state disability form to fill out. They hide that form well, and then after hours of searching, you see there are 2 different forms like maybe one was the older version the state used before. And very maddening, they indicated for the doctor to have his staff mail it in or me to pick it up and mail it in. But they gave no mailing address anywhere on the form.

I had to call the state department of health & human services, after a zillion transfers, they get me to a woman who after 10 minutes finds the form online and gives me the url. Then, she has to consult someone as to the address to mail this form to. The state of Texas makes it as hard as possible to get disability benefits, so frustrating, probably a lot of people who need help just give up on it.

I really would like to be able to have one of these state employees help me in person to fill out a mail-in copy of this form. You can do it online too, but the website will freeze in certain parts, depending on your browser or not save info that took you awhile to look up and enter, like your checking account number if you decide you need to go back to the previous page because you missed something there.

So, I find the number to the state office closest to me and call it. I get an automated message telling me my approximate wait time will be 57 minutes! I tell you. I'd show up in person there, but they'd probably just make you an appointment, then you drive home, wasting gas or as happened to me previously there, have you wait over 3 hours, talk to a official 2 minutes and have them tell you, oh, you were in the waiting line for SSDI disability, which you don't qualify for because you have not worked enough. You need to get in the wait line SSA disability or whatever it's called. I mean, really?!

It appears you might be able to make an actual appointment there should you wait out the 57 minute hold (which I didn't have time to do, they'd probably have more hold phone lines after that depending on your needs), and I wasn't even sure I picked the right number extension for what I needed as there was no speak to an agent option.

The answer will probably be no, but I'm wondering...it appears if you have a disability, you can get help filling out these forms. Now, bipolar & panic disorder are disabilities even if you can't see them outwardly, and I want to know if I can get an agent help me navigate the system based on having a disability, albeit a mental health disability not affecting my IQ.

Texas is an awful state to live in if you need social services or help. OMG.

Anyway, the pdoc agreed to fill out the form & assured me they would have a copy in my file that I could get as unofficial proof of disability, it not being the original. I hope an unofficial copy could help with getting help from other charitable sources.

Then, pdoc tells me he has offered to use his client base (only upon each person's individual signed consent) in a sleep study and if I wanted to participate. I would have to consent to his audio recording a series of questions on sleep and it would be anonymous. I felt like sleep is a big enough issue for bipolar (it's been an issue for me my whole life), so why not? I was still highly anxious so did not think to ask what the study is looking at exactly though I suspect it has something to do with how melatonin in the mix of sleep meds works since he then told me to add 10 mg melatonin to my night meds. OK, whatever helps me sleep better, I'm for it. Then, bizarrely (he did not mention this until I'd signed consent & agreed to the audio taping & taking the melatonin), he gives me a $25 Amazon gift card for agreeing to participate in the study. Which was all a little weird, but he is a very highly ranked pdoc with a 6 month waiting list, my PCP knows him & says he is a good doctor, and I really love my PCP and trust her; I have been seeing her 14 years. My old pdoc says he is a good doctor (though they were in the same practice together), but I know she would not steer me toward a pdoc she thought was a bad doctor though she'd probably have been subtle about it, saying something along the lines of his main specialties wouldn't be a good match for me.

I see the pdoc again next week on the 11th. I don't think it is related to that sleep study because initially he asked if I wanted to come back in 2 weeks and also suggested one week. Since I have hit my insurance deductible, and they are paying for everything and part of my problems right now stems from how crappy their coverage is, putting me into a lot of debt, I'm all for making them have to pay as much as they can.

Really, I got the feeling the pdoc wanted to see me not at the very end of a bad panic attack and how I'd be acting, feeling & talking then and if things were not improving for me, tweak the meds.

So I had a pretty eventful morning. I guess I made some headway, but working to even try to get disability (and likely be denied) is frustrating. But some social worker told me to keep appealing, that after about 2 or 3 appeals, chances were much better of getting financial aid from the state. Good grief! I'm just at the start of the process and sick of it already!