I understand this. And I used to think I wanted a lot of self-disclosure, like ex-marriage counselor gave. But that ultimately caused some issues, like I think all his disclosure about his kids (and things like how he helped them with their anxiety) contributed to my paternal transference.

In general though, I think it's partly to keep the T's stuff out of your therapy. To use the cat example, what if he did tell you that he hates cats? Then you might feel like you can't gush about cats anymore, so that would stifle some of what you're talking about. Now, if T also loved cats, I think that might make sense to share.

My T avoided revealing his political views for a long time, including after I shared mine, to the point that I wondered if he could have had opposite views (I'm avoiding saying the views so I don't offend anyone or turn this into a political debate). But then recently, he said, in an example about why he doesn't disclose certain things, that he has a client with opposite political views to him, who strongly supports a particular politician, and T has a boundary that he won't get in debates with this client about it. That the client can talk about his views if he wants, but T won't get sucked into a debate. This made me realize that T does share my views, which made me feel a bit relieved. But, if he didn't, then I can understand how it could be awkward to know that.

OK, one last example. My daughter is on the autism spectrum. When I told ex-T I was going to start seeing current T, she was like, "Oh, he has a son on the spectrum!" I waited for current T to disclose this, as I talked about my D, and he didn't, so it felt like he was being a bit dishonest, and also that it would be something we could connect over. Finally, after a month or two, when we were on the subject, I told him what I knew, and he was a bit bothered she'd said anything, but was glad I'd told him.

I said part of me wanted to ask him a bunch of questions about him (I ended up only asking his age, which he answered, and he showed me his photo on his desk). But then I realized...wait, what if I find out his son is lower-functioning, compared to my higher-functioning D? Would that make me censor what I'm saying about my D? Because I'd be worrying he might be thinking, "Well, at least she's verbal!" or something like that, thinking I'm making a big deal out of nothing? So I've refrained from asking him any more, even though I'm curious (from something he's said, I get the sense he is fairly high-functioning). But I do like knowing his son is on the spectrum, because it is a connection, something we have in common, and it feels like he gets it more when I talk about stuff with her than a T who had no personal experience with it.

So, I completely understand what you're saying and feeling. But I also understand why it can be good for T's to be careful about what they do and don't share, because it could affect the therapy. And also because I've been on the other side, where *too* much was shared. Still, I think the T should be human and at least give a little sense of themselves, which my T does.