Hi All---so yesterday afternoon was my phone call with my former T--it's official now, she is my former T--to say goodbye to her. She got sick with MS and slowly started reducing her hours back in February and then since maybe May or June hasn't been able to come into the office. This Summer we had phone appointments that were based on me finding another therapist to work with. I went to one which ended up being a horrible experience, and then I went to Tony the Tiger T who I have seen twice and so far I like.

Back to the phone call--I am really trying to sort out my emotions and could use some help with that because they are all twisted up and confused. First off, I was crying even before the phone call started, I had been crying off and on all day but in the ten minutes or so before the phone call I just started crying. I have never cried so much like I have cried over this woman this Summer. I was just so sad over saying goodbye and never seeing her again and I was just missing her.


She called me and her picture came up on my phone and I just started crying harder. She asked me what I wanted out of the phone call and I said I just really wanted a good "goodbye" because a lot of times in life we don't really get a good "goodbye". I mean friends drift away, people die, but rarely do we really get to say "goodbye". So she talked about all the things I had done in therapy and how I had grown and what she wished for me in the future. I couldn't really talk because I was crying. She told me that she will always care about me that there will never be anyone else that's exactly like me, there can only be one SlumberKitty except she used my real name of course.


She told me she doesn't want me to commit sui----. That it would rob me of my life and that there are people who I contribute to their life and that they contribute to mine. She said there were things she might have done better as a therapist like pushed me more sometimes or tried harder to stop me when I wouldn't talk about something because I was protecting her. She told me that she cares about me, that she is praying for me (we are both religious and of the same faith), and at the end she surprised me because she said she loves me. I have told her before that I love her (not in a romantic way--just in a human way) but she has never said it. She actually said it twice in the call. The first one was sort of like, it's hard to lose someone that cares about you and loves you, but the second time it was very clear she said, I care about you and I love you. Which of course made me cry more.


She said it's not goodbye goodbye, that it is just goodbye for now. That I am free to email her and even call her down the road. She wants me to focus on connecting to Tony the Tiger T so she doesn't want to be in the way. But I'm not cut off either. She knows I am sending her a little stuffed animal mouse that is the same as the one that I often took to therapy so she said she would let me know when she gets him.

It was a really good call. I didn't say much. She talked a lot but that's because I was crying. I'm still crying. I don't get why I'm crying so much. Yes she was my T of 10 years. Yes I miss her. Yes I care about her. Yes I love her (not romantically). But I just can't stop crying. This is rather unlike me. I told her that her last thing to teach me was how to cry. I spent 10 years not crying, especially not crying in therapy but not really crying at all, and then now I can't stop.


I don't know why I can't stop crying. I didn't SH after the call but I did SH before the call in the afternoon. At work. Yeah, not the best move on my part but no one knows except you all because I haven't said anything to anyone. Why am I crying so much? I'm getting frustrated with myself for crying and crying and crying. It's like I will never stop. And I don't like crying. It just gives me a headache. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel now. I don't even know what I feel now. (That's never been my strong suit.) It's like the tears block out any other feelings.


Anybody know why I'm crying so much? Any ideas on how to stop crying? And this is a long shot but does anyone know what I'm supposed to be feeling now? Has anyone been through something like this where you are just crying a lot over your T and can't stop?

I see Tony the Tiger T this weekend. Saturday appointment--that's new to me, I will see how I like it. I think I need to talk to Tony about all this stuff with my old T. But how do I even start? Anyone know?