It doesn't sound like victim-blaming to me, although I can see why it could be taken that way.

I also had to examine what was in me that made me keep going back. That doesn't mean it was my fault, or that I asked for it. The only real question was, why did I tolerate it? We can't change the fact that they are abusers. But we can change the fact that we put up with it. And to stop putting up with it, we have to explore why we do.

For me, there were many factors. I didn't want to end my marriage because I didn't want to go down the same road of divorces and remarriages that my mother went down. (I did anyway, although not as many.) I was also being counseled that my children need both parents, and it would be unfair to split up their home. (No more unfair than letting them see Daddy abusing Mommy, is it?) But perhaps the biggest was that I believed I deserved what I was getting. My self-esteem was so low, I honestly thought an abusive alcoholic/addict was the best I could get. I didn't think any man of any real quality would have anything to do with me, and in fact *he* was a saint to put up with *me.* (Which is exactly what he wanted me to think, so I'd be less likely to leave him.)

I had to convince myself that I really *did* deserve better. Only then did I stop tolerating abuse, and therefore stop attracting it.