I swear, I think my cousin has it. I mean, I'm almost POSITIVE she has it. If she doesn't, she has the symptoms out the wazoo. Also, I think her mother (also my cousin, since we're kin through her mom) and my aunt also have it, but I'm the most convinced that she has it. I mean, I'm pretty hardcore convinced that she has it. She might not have the worst case, but wow, is she symptomatic. Sometimes I think my ex might have had it, but I'm unsure. He believed he had PTSD and Bipolar, and I agreed with him. However, I kind of think he might have BPD. If he does have that, he might not be bipolar, at all, since sometimes the two get mixed up. Anyway, I also think I might have it. Now, I know I'm saying this about a lot of people, but you have to realize, 4 of us are family and it is more common to be dx with it if you have a family member with it, so if 4 of us in the same family had it, it might not be so odd.

Anyway, the thing is, I know many people have much worse cases of it than I do, so IF I have BPD, then it is a mild case, I guess. It isn't an extreme case. I am not sure if I just have a lot of symptoms of it or if I have the disorder. I have 8 out of 9 of the DSM-IV criteria as well as some signs that are mentioned as being common for people with BPD, but aren't part of the 9 main criteria. Also, the one criteria that I don't have- identity disturbance- I say I don't have because I have pretty solid values, goals, etc. HOWEVER, if it counts as identity disturbance to sometimes cry and not know if you're actually sad (depersonalized a bit occasionally), to think you are a monster at times and on VERY RARE occasions to feel like all is forgiven and you're okay, etc. (can name a couple other things) then I do have identity disturbance. However, I have pretty steady- albeit eclectic- interests, beliefs, and goals. I am open minded, but opinionated- or so I like to think.

Anyway, I think I have the other 8 in varying degrees. Some of my worst are anger issues and abandonment fears I think my therapists have suspected it, but have said nothing directly. One therapist asked me REPEATEDLY if I had been abused and I always said, "no." Finally he said, "I find that hard to believe." At the time, I didn't understand why, but now I think it might be because people with BPD have often been abused and at one time, they thought they had all been abused, though we know now that some people who have BPD have not been abused, while others have. Anyway, another therapist told me once, in reference to something I'd said (about my feelings, thoughts, or actions), "It's like, 'I Hate You, Don''t Leave Me'," which I knew was the name of a book about BPD, but he never said it was a book about BPD and prob. thought I didn't know. He has also told me on another occasion that he thought I had love-hate with a lot of people/things. Then, recently he said he thought I had a lot of abandonment hurt. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I have BPD, but he's never said anything directly. He dislikes labels and I don't want it in my record, but sometimes I really want to ask, do I have this?

I feel as though I don't have a right to claim it because my symptoms aren't as extreme, and I'm afraid to be labeled with it because people will judge me and everything I do through the BPD lens, but at the same time it makes sense of things I never understood or had a reason/diagnosis for before, and I want that confirmation, that YES, this is it.

I'm too nervous to ask him about it. I'm afraid he'll say yes, I'm afraid he'll say no.