For some reason, my mind will think one way but my body will react in a totally different way. I can logic whatever, be dead-set in my belief that everything was fine, and try to use the skills from CBT and DBT but my body will still act as though I have no coping skills whatsoever.


EXAMPLE 1 (anxiety): When I was a teacher, there was one day when I was running about 10 minutes late to work. I'm OCPD so my natural reaction to being late is to panic. My conscious mind logicked and truly believed it was no big deal -- I had teacher planning 1st period so no one would be waiting for me, there wouldn't be any repercussions for running late (for the 1st time in years), and nothing bad would happen. My body, however, decided to act like I was having an anxiety/panic attack -- my heart, and to a lesser extent my thoughts, were racing, and my body was on autopilot for rushing (i.e., the intense urge to run instead of walk, speeding while driving, etc). Even though I knew and believed I was fine and there was no reason to panic, my body reacted that way regardless.

EXAMPLE 2 (sadness/depression): I sought help from Vocational Rehabilitation to find a new job after leaving teaching but before they could really help me I had to decide on a new career. I got the results of the vocational evaluation VR set up and most of my choices matched the test results. However, VR said no to every one of my choices -- either I was too educated so they weren't going to help me get the certification required or their system (but not indeed.com) said there were no job openings within 25 miles. We finally settled for something I am entirely over-qualified for. I got incredibly depressed and spent hours crying and feeling useless. But that reaction made no sense -- I knew the job wasn't my only option, that I could go off on my own and apply for jobs in other careers, that this one woman wasn't able to determine my entire future, that I wasn't doomed, and I could always use whatever job I ended up with a stepping stone to help pay for whatever certification needed for whatever career I ultimately wanted. I believed wholeheartedly that I wasn't useless. Yet no matter what I thought and believed, the word useless was permanently glued in my mind and I couldn't stop crying. I knew better but I couldn't change my reaction.


Every single time I react to something in the wrong way (such as shutting down when a super stressful situation arises), my conscious mind knows the solution to the problem, it recognizes that my unconscious is reacting inappropriately, it knows how it should act, and uses logic to calm me down... but my physical reaction doesn't change. I can't get my physical reactions to align with my mind. It's like I can't convince my body to listen to my mind.

I've been working on this for a year and I'm stuck. It keeps happening and it's insanely frustrating.