I think I'm subjecting myself to emotional pain and dread (not consciously), much like I did with the work incident afterwards, because I can abandon myself and be in more pain than anyone else can deliver. It's almost as if I do this so I can be in control instead of waiting for the unknown and feeling helpless. I get that it's a waste of time, but it's not a choice. My shadow is becoming ever more present, and I am becoming less present. I'm not even sure that the extra days are going to be helpful and I'm not sure if it is just subjecting myself to more pain. I want to pretend like I'm an adult and that I'm not really this way. But it is crystal clear that this is who I am. I am not in control of this, it is in control of me. I don't think that this is going to be as traumatic as I fear, I suspect that once you go I'll be able to stop waiting for the shoe to drop. Because for me, it has already done so.