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Old Sep 08, 2018, 06:35 AM
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Blueberrybook Blueberrybook is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 6,782
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvyrself View Post
----Yes, we have to pay our dues and make the effort to get help. However, because of my disorder, sometimes if Im having an episode I literally can't think (tho I faked my way through working for just short of 50 years) and there are plenty of people worse off than I am sitting there trying to keep it together during a long wait-addicts, alcoholics, schizophrenics, you name it. There are some flaws in the system. This reminds me of the story my former recovered alcoholic partner told me about a time when he was suicidal and called Kaiser. They told him to call them back in 2 weeks. LOL We need to use the buddy system more, I think, and thank God for this forum. Right now I think of Blueberrybook as a representation of the things many of us are going through, except she is going through a lot of those things at one time, which is so often the case in life. Things tend to spiral. We'll help her through it and then she will help us.
For me, I couldn't fake work. I have a Master's degree which makes it difficult to get lower stress jobs. At my last job attempt, I couldn't remember the math numbers to run PCR gels. And I was supposed to sex and wean baby mice from their mothers. If you don't sex them fast enough, they start reproducing and expensive experiments get ruined. Also, I was supposed to be able to tell when a female mouse is pregnant (pretty much from the beginning; there is a method to do this, but you have to be very good at it), tag baby mice, etc. (and while some people are very good working with mice experimentation, I was not). I did better with transporting the cages and even killing the mice, (sorry animal lovers; mice experimentation just is part of science). I had nightmares of overproducing mice wrecking costly experiments as I was working for a very prominent person. The last straw was when I had to get training and learn to use a super expensive instrument very few places in the area even had, and you could mess it up easily. Now, in grad school, I could do this with things like a French press and even got tasked with training new people how to use a French press (which is also expensive, only one in my whole science department, and can easily be damaged). But my last job, I had so much mice anxiety and panic, I couldn't sleep and when I did, I had nightmares about messing up mice experiementation, it nearly drove me into the hospital. That work is not the type of work you can fake and get away with.

Faking that job was just not an option.
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD

Seroquel, Cymbalta, propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, lamotrigine, hydroxyzine,

There's a crack in everything. That is how the light gets in.
--Leonard Cohen
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