I so get this gut wrenching loss of a therapist which does feel like a romantic breakup in some ways-I actually started trying to end any contact with my psychologist a year ago when I realised that I couldn’t live my life between sessions (once every2 weeks) without him intruding into it with thoughts about what I would say at next appointment/how he might respond etc accompanied by random moments of terrible pain and sadness that he wasn’t present when I felt good and excited about something as well as when I felt bad-tears/ panic/ rehearsing conversations in my head so that I didn’t waste time or present as difficult/ boring etc
I would be ok for about 4-5 hrs after session and then the pendulum would swing back to real life and I would be utterly demolished - racing thought/ insomnia/ desperate longing etc
This freaked me out and when I started treating myself in very destructive ways I knew I had to get out-this man was taking over my life and I missed him pretty much all the time
I started questioning him about this and his stoic/ I can take it attitude emboldened me to become someone I’m not- a bit critical / disparaging/slightly disrespectful and dismissive and even a bit rude - anything to find some resolution to the pain of his absence from my life-I could hear myself talking and I felt I was becoming a monster-still he offered no path forward and I tried to leave-4 times now with recent break of 4 months but it’s like neither of us can be completely “done”
I think maybe LT you get this?
I have no idea when or how this will end but just wanted to say that missing ones therapist so badly is a nightmare so different from any other experience and it blindsides you
Soul hugs to you both if you want to accept them