Me too.

Today I ran less though, the amount a normal person would run for exercise. I promised H. He said I am getting too thin, and he is worried about me. H told me he would try to help, but H doesn't get mental illness. My last relapse was in 2015; that was the worst relapse though this one is getting close to it. Neither relapse was close to my worst low weight in college.

But even I am starting to worry about me. I just want the stupid CPS closed. Most of the time I can't get my mind off it, I get anxious and just don't feel like eating. It's not even an ED thing.

I've already gone past where I wanted to keep maintaining. I know the key to gaining is to stop running so much and eat more. It is hard when you know what to do intellectually, but ED voices keep talking. Right now, not so much about eating versus not eating, but about running versus not running. Running is my escape and coping mechanism, and yes, old ED voices got happy at my initial weight loss after perforated ulcer surgery (though I wouldn't wish that on anyone, I never felt so much pain in my life, morphine didn't touch it, I hallucinated off & on for 2 days, hopefully from the pain & medication and not the bipolar. Hallucinating has never been a part of my bipolar, though I am beginning to wonder if auditory hallucinations are starting up or if it's just bad hearing, that's more for the bipolar forum though.

Didn't eat breakfast, but I will have lunch once I get my daughter going. Already tried to wake her up, and she is out, rubs her eyes and goes back to sleep. She doesn't always sleep well (I hope she is not taking that after me), but she is more of a night person while I am a morning person or an anytime person when I'm manic.

I need to do better foodwise, drink protein shakes after running, even a glass of milk or something, but I just never do. I even bought the protein shake powder, so I have it; there really is not any excuse not to use it. But then the ED part of me worries what if I gain weight and gain weight and can't stop gaining. My mom & are her relatives (except for my grandfather, now deceased) are all very overweight. I'm worried about one of my sisters too as she is overweight. Though I do think she was trying to lose weight by walking in the morning and then got an ACL tear. Plus, her job lets her completely telecommute, so she's always working from home. But I worry I will get obese like that even though I am 40 years old and have never been morbidly obese. Maybe in high school I could have lost about 5 lb., and I never exercised once I was done with the mandatory 2 years of PE credits, and I wasn't horribly overweight even then. So I don't know why I worry about getting so fat I can't control it. That's the main thing, I guess. I just want to be able to control my weight exactly 100%, which would mean gaining some, and to me that is just scary.

It's crazy, wanting 2 opposite things at once.