T yesterday. I was running late and had just opened the door to the waiting room when T was opening the door to retrieve me. I said, "I just made it!" T joked, "If you weren't here yet, I wouldn't have come back out for another 20 minutes!" (Usually if I'm running late, I'll text him so he'd know when to come out, since he doesn't have receptionist.)

Went back and sat down. T: "I like your necklace." Me: "Thanks!" T: "I don't recall seeing that one before." Me: "You haven't, it's new. I got it from this online boutique." (He tends to be very observant about my appearance and clothing/accessories.)

He asked how I'd been doing. I said OK, that I'd seen p-doc Wednesday. He asked how that went. I said pretty well, and that I'd been really nervous about it. T: "Why were you nervous?" I explained how I thought I was having Abilify side effects (particularly elevated heart rate) and worried she wouldn't believe me. T: "Why would you think that?" Me: "Well...I was afraid she'd blame it all on drinking and say it couldn't be the Abilify. And that she'd make a big deal about it." T: "Did she do that?" Me: "Well, no, actually she really listened and is having me stop the Abilify." T: "Good." Me: "And also I was afraid she'd push some different med that I didn't want to try, because I've had so many side effects." T: "Would you consider her a 'pusher'"? Me: "No, not really, though ex-p-doc was, so maybe I sort of still expect it?"

T: "What would have happened if she had tried to say it was about the drinking?" Me: "I guess...I would have just tried to explain that new symptoms started after I began the Abilify." T: "And you could say it's not like you increased your drinking. That you know this is a new symptom." Me: "Yeah...but then I'd be worried she'd push the drinking stuff again--which I am working on." T: "But then you could just tell her you're working on it." Me: "True...I guess it's just...another authority figure thing."

T: "As we've talked about before, one of the things I want for you is for you to feel that you are your own authority figure, that you're the authority on LT." I started tearing up, reached for a tissue, and said: "I know, I want that, too. I don't know why I'm crying, I feel like I keep crying at random times." T: "I've noticed you often get emotional when we talk about authority figures." Me: "Yeah...I guess it's not so random. It's just...a difficult topic for me, I guess."

I said how I struggled when ex-p-doc had tried to push for me to intensive outpatient and had implied ex-T and ex-MC were on board with her, but they really weren't. T said he remember my talking about that. He said to remember that I would have had option to not go, that they could make recommendations, but it's my therapy, so ultimately would be up to me. I said I worried about seeming noncompliant, whether to ex-p-doc or current p-doc.

I said again (like I'd mentioned last session) how it felt like he had all the power in the relationship. T: "And I feel like you have all the power. You could just leave here and never come back again. I couldn't just terminate you." Me: "But...you could take things away. Like you could say no more emailing, for example." T: "But I'd need a legitimate reason to do that. And if I wasn't giving you what you needed, why would you stay with me?" (I should have said "attachment" but didn't.) Me: "Yeah..." T: "I'm just a consultant. Why not just find another therapist who can give you what you need?" Me: "Yeah, I guess..."

He also mentioned my having control over what we talk about. I said that's true, but that sometimes I want to discuss a particular thing, but then he ends up leading the conversation elsewhere. T: "Well, you should stop me then. Tell me that you want to talk about something else." Me: "But the thing is, sometimes what you bring up does seem helpful. Like when you suggested talking more about my current relationship with my mom a few weeks ago. But really, at the time, there was something else I wanted to discuss. but I went along with what you said because it made sense." T: "In that situation, tell me you want to discuss what I said at some point, but you need to talk about this other thing right now." Me: "OK, I'll try to do that. Sometimes I'm trying avoid something though." T: "But usually you'll admit that you're avoiding something eventually." Me: "True. But not always. Like sometimes I hope you'll realize, but you don't." T: "Because sometimes I'm stupid and don't pick up on things." I laughed, "Yeah, at times. So I guess I'll try to do better at telling you."

I mentioned the thread about what people think would help therapists be more effective. I said how some had suggested more supervision. He seemed to bristle a bit there, mentioning how he is in a peer consulting group. I said I knew that (since he'd consulted them about me). I mentioned the being in therapy themselves. T: "I think I mentioned this, but I was in therapy as part of my PhD. I guess clients might want to know if we know what it feels like to be on the other side." Me: "Yeah." T: "The thing is, even if we've been in therapy, it doesn't mean we know what it's like. My experience of therapy may have been very different. If I wasn't attached, didn't stress about the relationship, etc." Me: "Good point. So you might not really understand then." T: "Yes."

T: "And actually it can be a bad thing if a therapist has gone through or is going through the same thing as the client. Because it can color how they feel about it, they're going through the lens of their own experience." Me: "Hm...kind of like how I thought at first ex-MC also dealing with anxiety and issues with his father was a good thing...but then later on I wasn't so sure because it felt like there was an element of, 'I worked through my anxiety issues, why can't you?'" T agreed, saying that with addiction counseling, it's often done by former addicts. And it can be an issue because they'll think the way they got clean is the only way to do it, when it might not be the right way for that person. I found that to be interesting.

Me: "I feel like this session went in a different direction than I'd planned in the beginning. But it was helpful." T: "Was it me again?" Me: "Actually, no, this was just as much my doing." T (pointing at me): "It's all your fault!" Me: "Yeah, it is." T (with a big grin): "I'm just messing with you." Me (smiling): "Yeah, I know!" That exchange made me feel like things really are OK between us, after last weekend and last session. Like last session, he told me that things are OK, but this seemed more like him showing me, because he was just being his usual self with me.

Spent last bit of session talking about D's first week of school, how she's really been struggling at home, which is causing all of us stress. And how I'm hoping this is just an adjustment period. T said it probably is, that he sees a lot of teens, and this is a weird few weeks in his office, because everyone seems out of sorts with the transition back to school. That it's generally temporary. I said good. Me: "I know this sounds weird, but sometimes I wonder, with stuff like that, are therapists like, 'Oooh this will be good stuff!' like if a client is really struggling with something." T: "No, I don't like to see my clients struggling." Me: "Yeah, I should have figured that." T: "Like I've said, what makes me happiest is when I can work myself out of a job with someone." Me: "Yeah."

I also talked about some progress D had made lately, like starting to ask "why" questions. T said how that was good developmentally, but to be careful, because we may not think she's paying attention to what H and I are talking about, then she might suddenly be like, "Why is Mommy mad at Daddy?" (I'm guessing he might be speaking from personal experience...) And I said how she's suddenly shifted from calling me "Mommy" to usually calling me "Mom." T: "That's rather formal!" It felt like a warm, positive, connected conversation, a good way to end the session.

Confirmed next Monday and Thursday, went over to pay. Shook hands, as T said, "Have a great weekend!" Me, "You too!" T: "I'll see you Monday." Me: "See you then." T: "Take care." Me: "You, too."