Hello all. I'm in a bit of a predicament.

I've spoken on here about my therapist before and thanks a lot for bearing with me. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if all of my issues are just me but I do feel uncomfortable with this therapist. I've been feeling uncomfortable about a month after we started seeing each other. It's been 6 months and that feeling hasn't gone away. I think the problem is me.

I DO speak up. We've been butting heads for a while, but not a lot. I spoke on here about how we focused more on other people's feelings than my own when I've had disagreements with that person (I told her that felt invalidating and she said that wasn't her intention), and how she told me that I need to "pardon" my grandmother for her abusing (emotionally and sexually inappropriately) me as a child. She told me that she had a friend in the same situation and she told that friend, "You can't keep holding this over their [their perpetrator's] head." Then she told me, "I don't mean anything by that story. I'm just telling you about this situation with my friend." That made me feel a bit sad, and she said I have a short fuse when it comes to being disrespected. I...think anyone would?

I won't lie: I DO get frustrated when I step into her office and I'm careful with what I say because I don't want to be snappy because a few times I HAVE been snappy. I'm careful about what I say because I don't want to be disrespectful. I'm like that with everyone.

Today, we discussed my resistance towards discussing physical intimacy. She asked why, and I said that it could be because of my trauma, because of my conservative upbringing and because of my fear. I also said that I feel uncomfortable discussing physical intimacy with people older than me. She asked, "Are you uncomfortable because of you or me?" And I said, "You and me." And she said, "I think that's a cop out. I think it's just you." And I felt bad, you know? I even said that I felt bad and she asked why. And I said that I would have preferred a different word, like excuse or something. And she laughed it off. And that's how our session ended, so I feel a bit unbalanced right now (since it happened today).

I also needed a letter for my gender affirming top surgery consultation. That's why I'm there in the first place. She had 6 months to write the letter...only to start writing it a couple of days before my consultation and she told me that I didn't give her specific details. Some of the details she wanted were details I didn't even know I had to give. She asked me some of the details when we first met, and I told her. She asked some of those SAME exact details a WEEK after my consultation saying, "I need all of this to put in the letter. You didn't tell me those things before." I did, though...I don't understand why she didn't make a note of the answers when she asked me for those details in the very beginning, and why she waited a couple of days before my consultation to get the template for the letter and find out all of the new details. It's been a month since my consultation and I will be getting the letter next week.

I AM holding back, but I'm not ready to talk about my trauma in specific detail, and she wanted me to about a month or so ago. I'm not ready to talk about physical intimacy in specific detail. I told her, "It took me a couple of years to talk about this with my old therapist..." And she immediately cuts in and says, "I'm not her." And I said, "I know that, and that's exactly what I was going to say. But my point was that it took me a while to feel comfortable with her, and it'll take me a while to feel comfortable here."

Also, I came there to talk with a professional. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking more to a friend than a therapist, and I need that boundary line, you know? I'm thinking of telling her that but I don't want to come off as disrespectful.

I don't know. I feel like I'm the problem. I'm too sensitive and I feel like I'm being judged but maybe that's my issue I have to work on. I feel like I have to prove to her that I'm a good person, when I already believed I was before I started seeing her.

I know change is uncomfortable. I've experienced change and it wasn't easy, but when is uncomfortable considered a good or bad thing?

I know this was a lot, so thanks a lot for reading.