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Originally Posted by we bruise we bleed
Hello everyone, im new to this forum and excited to try it out. I dont knwo how this going to woerk because my abuser is a hacker and one of the the things she still does to me is try toi isolate me by blocking my online life. I thoughjt she was my gf at one time and i loved her but shse has a personality disorder and has sadistic tendencies. Ive learned a lot about emotional suffering over the past year and somethign and im niot saying that sarcastically -- every expreinece brings with it learning and I underatnd how humans exprienc pain now so much better thn i did before, which hopelfully makes me a better person.
I've had losts of times where someone i love is huring me on poropoet out of anger. I knw how that feels .. But this is the firs time i have been deliberately harmed by somneone i love and they were noticaebly enjoing it. To me this i makes the curelty tent imes worse. Unlike the angry form of pain infliction, which says " im angry at you and you're going to pay for it", this says, "you're so much of a joke that im going to have some fun huriing you". If the cruelty had been dirven by anger it wouldnt have had any implication for our first month of dating, when i thought we were falling in love together. But the amusement scenario tells me the whole month was a lie. This was no love story, it was a humiliation. We were not together. I was alone falling for a fictional character and she was having some fun with her friends pulling my strings. I used to think of it as one of the happiest times of my life. Now im ashamed.
Th first month she inserted little time bombs into our conversation that meant noting nothing at the time but were much more meaningful to my future self. I still have aha moments when i realize that when she said such and such what she really meant was that she didnt love me an sh was going to hurt me.
AS i go down my healing path i find that this hurting for entertament is one of the hardest thngs i have to deal with. I cant seem to rise above denial -- refuse to believe someone i love so much could have such contempt for me that she got a kick out of doing some really horrible and degrading things to me. I would welcome anyone's thoughts or experiences
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The truth of the matter here with abusers: they relish in the pain they inflict upon another because they have been SO badly hurt themselves in life, that the only sense of power and control they feel in the world is to make others hurt as much, if not far MORE, than they already do.
Abuse is ALWAYS about power and control over another. And abusive people are NOT happy people. Abusers are deeply and inwardly miserable in their own skin and lives. They ultimately hate themselves, and want everyone else to feel just as miserable as they do.
What you have to try and do is to not take it personally. Abusers would do this to
anyone in their path who tries to love them. It's not YOU it's THEM. repeat that to yourself. It's not YOU. It is not contempt she feels for you personally -- it's anyone and everyone.
It can take a long time to heal from abuse. But once you see that abusers really cannot love -- that they don't know how to truly love someone --- that it helps the healing process. You loved her, and unfortunately, she doesn't know how to properly love back. She only knows how to harm people. That's all she knows, because she was somehow severely harmed in her own life, probably early in childhood.
Read as much as you can about abuse, as well. It helps the healing process when you begin to truly understand the mindset of an abuser.