Trigger alert- mentions desire to die briefly and loneliness (and related issues)

YouOMe,

Thanks for the reply.

Is your friend actually planning on getting pregnant, or does she just say she wants a kid, but has no real plans of making one? A lot of the time people's desires to be a parent kicks in before they're ready to handle it. While I can understand how this could irritate you- after all, you know what a hard job and huge responsibility it is and it prob. seems she doesn't take it seriously- it doesn't necessarily mean that she'll actually go out and have a kid before she's ready. I had a time period in my life when I really wanted a kid, but was in NO position to care for it. I told my friends about these feelings I had, BUT I logically REALIZED that I wasn't in a position to care for it and that I wasn't emotionally ready for it, either. I never tried to get pregnant and I continued to use condoms for birth control (don't want to use pills for a couple reasons). It may be she wants a kid emotionally, but hopefully, her logic will tell her to wait for it. When I was a child, I also wanted an adult job, to drive a car, etc. It is natural to have these desires sometimes before we are ready to take on the responsibility. If we never had the desire for things, we would be less likely to set goals and work towards being prepared for them.

However, I know it is not a good idea to take on the responsibility of something- particularly a living being- before we are actually prepared for it, of course! Hopefully, she will do the responsible thing and her emotional desire for a child will cause her to start behaving more responsibly and will urge her to try for the things a baby would need- such as a good job to help financially, a driver's license, etc.- before she has the baby. If she not only WANTS a baby, but is actually considering REALLY having a child now even though she's not ready or stable enough for one, then that is definitely bad, and she's not taking it seriously enough. Sometimes people have kids and it causes them to be more responsible, so if she has a baby, hopefully she will turn things around. Yet, if she's planning on getting pregnant and not even trying to be more responsible before or while she's trying to concieve, that's worrisome, and I can definitely see why it irritates you. I'm just saying, irritating though it may be (and while I can see why), at the same time, it may just be that she has a desire for a baby, but will make the logical choice to wait. Hopefully, she will wait for the potential baby's sake and hers. Does she have a job at all? What does she say when you ask her how she would take care of the baby?

As for myself, I don't blame people for getting married or having kids. However, it does irritate me that people know my situation (basically I'm not only alone, I've been hurt, the wound hasn't healed all the way and the prognosis doesn't look as good as one might hope) and yet, they still continue to tell me about EVERYONE that gets married or has kids. They don't just announce their own weddings and babies, or those of their children, etc. I mean these people want me to know about every person that I've ever known. My mother, for instance, tells me everytime anyone I went to class with, am kin to, etc. gets married or pregnant and she KNOWS how upset I am about what I've been through romantically and where I stand in the romance dept. She also knows that I believe I'm never getting married or having kids and I think she knows I'm not happy about it. I'm POSITIVE she knows, but she tells me about everyone else, even people I'm not close to, but graduated with. Sometimes, I think she's trying to rub my nose in it and I just want to scream, "DON'T YOU GET IT? I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE, AND THE SOONER THE BETTER!"

Also people joke with me about dating casually. I don't get mad at everyone of them for doing so, because some of them don't know my situation, my past, how I feel, etc. so they don't know it is a sensitive subject for me. However, some of them DO know or SHOULD know I'm sensitive about it, but they keep making jokes, anyway. It's as if they somehow missed the obvious fact that I've not healed enough for them to make such jokes, and chances are, I may never be to the point where I'm comfortable with romantic jokes, questions, and comments from them. Also, the lady who said I'd be with mom forever didn't anger me, but I did find her comment rude. I just don't think she understood it was rude. It was the equivalent of, "You'll die alone," and the timing was terrible because shortly before, I thought I would eventually get married to my long time boyfriend.

I don't care about what society expects from me romantically. I am honestly not sure if I want kids, but I'd like a little more choice and preferabble circumstances in the matter, so that if I wanted to, I could choose to do so in a great situation. However, the marriage thing does bother me. Love means a lot to me, especially now that I know what I'm missing. And it bothers me to know I have messed up important relationships in my life and that I've lost people, opportunities, etc. and there are pieces of my heart I've given to people who don't even care about me anymore, if they ever did. Now, I don't regret caring for them- only messing it up, losing it, etc.- and I miss these people and lament what could have been. Since losing people I care about, I'm not only full of regret, I'm very lonely in a way I've never been before. Knowing I have the rest of my life to deal with this and don't expect to ever not be lonely again, makes me very upset. When people rub my nose in how much better other people managed relationships- they didn't lose the person they cared about, they're not lonely, etc.- it just makes me want to scream, especially when I know that the person saying these things to me KNOWS that I am emotionally hurt, lonely, etc. I feel it is insensitive to tell a heartbroken and lonely person about the weddings of everyone around, when they aren't even close to those people and prob. don't really care to know the details of their life. If my cousin was getting married, the reminder might hurt me, but at least an announcement of their wedding would be understandable.

By the way, this is off topic, but I like your current signature picutre (about life being beautiful and painful).