I've been going through the same thought process lately. I truly miss being manic - I had that *edge* that allowed me to get things done, meet every challenge that is presented to me, and know exactly what to do and when to do it. Now, I feel like a wilting flower, accepting everything presented to me. But I need to figure out how to manage it. When I was undiagnosed, I was sharp but I was also an asshole. I challenged people to fights, I drank too much, I was unpredictable, and was always headed toward disaster. We all need to sit, contemplate, and figure it out. I am confident there is salvation in the end, the path of healing we are taking is the right road. I couldn't continue living my life crashing into a wall. The challenge is leaving the past behind - what we knew, the familiarity of living - and build a new life. In all honesty, the new life isn't all that bad. I'm more pleasant to be around and the people who love me just like me more. I just need to find a new edge.