I am not super depressed or anything like that. I certainly do want to live. But I want to live an independent, medical life. It's funny that now I think about it, my mother always wanted to scare people and make people be 'awed' at her. That's the reason she wanted to be a top ranking administrative officer. She couldn't, because her mental health isn't good she couldn't possibly compete with tens of thousands other individuals giving the very exam, she doesn't realize this and still has aggression fits whenever she is reminded of her administrative career. Now, I don't find "making people fear you and respect you" a good reason to join the administrative unit of the government.

I am, on the other hand, exactly opposite. I want to help people and make a living out of it, doing what I love. That is of course diagnosing the biological disease (that includes mental disorders), coming up with a treatment plan, discussing with colleagues and of course doing lab work (if I get into something like pathology.) I always had interest in science. Always.

Now when I think about it, my primary doc did discuss my case with my psychiatrist and they came up with a treatment plan. The primary doc would tell me I am physically fit to be a doctor and the psychiatrist, without giving the reason, would tell me I am not fit. That is, of course, adding mental illness while subtracting biological cause, which would make it a neurosis. That means all my problems are psychogenic and I just need to focus on studies.


This would be great, of course. As I have deduced what goes inside my doctors' heads with enough evidence and a good amount of probability, I must double-specialize in nephrology and infectious diseases. Then walk with a cane.