I live in a different state, I have no one here from my past, I don't work, I have almost no contact with people unless I have to. I am holding on to my memories of my son, grandsons and my old life in NY. But barely. I feel if i let go of my few memories I would be adrift. I could go anywhere and be anyone. Part of me wants to do that but part of me wants to hold my grandsons again. This constant pull causes my brain to ache. Ache for the loss of my son and grandsons and ache with the emptiness of my present life. Unable to fully begin again without fearing the total loss of my past and who I have been.