Hi all,

9 months ago I moved to an unknown town in SoCal and 2 months later a fire burned my place down. I was all alone and though I've tackled with some success other diagnoses through CBT, DBT, AA, mindfulness etc, this REALLY seems to have broken me.

I've moved 5 times from one bad situation to the next; there's no mental health community or support in my area except a CBT therapist who is keeping me together.

I moved here from the East Coast a couple years ago to get away from my family and the cold/damp weather (lyme disease..) Right I'm in another temporary living situation (5 moves in 9 months) and rather than things getting better, I'm living with constant panic, can't leave the house, have lost 35 lbs. Psychopharm is trying but I'm a full med load and anything more backfires.

I need to get back to the East coast where I've grown up and where my original treatment team is, and get some sense of normalcy and support back-- but that means driving cross-country and trying to set up my life and treatment/housing, yet again, when I'm barely functional.

Not sure what else to say here- it's a daily struggle to tolerate being inside me at all, and there's no place to get support. People have kind of moved on from the fire trauma but having a long, long history of abuse and trauma seems to have amplified this a million times more. My T keeps trying to do CBT to restructure my catastrophic thoughts but it's like my body is hard-wired and no "thinking" interventions are helping.

Doing grounding exercises helps. I believe if I could get myself to a functional state, I might be able to drive back to the East coast and get proper treatment. But getting from here to there feels like traveling to the moon. All i know is that things can't continue like this. I keep hoping i'll start to recover but it's not happening