Trigger icon placed for mention of self-injury.

I had a very difficult session on Saturday. At one point I sort of just freaked out and was sort of hyperventilating and crying and T reached into his desk drawer and handed me a pad of paper and a box of colored pencils. T asked me to draw certain aspects of what I was feeling so I began to draw and color. Although I felt disconnected and in my own world, I felt safe and connected at the very same time just having T there with me, softly teling him some of the things I was drawing as I was drawing them.

Last night I had a very difficult time with cutting. I went a bit overboard. I called T at 11:30 PM because I made a deal with myself in which I decided that if I left him that message I would not go any further with the cutting.

In the message I told him that I just wanted to be with him, coloring and drawing. I told him that he didn't need to call back today because really, I don't think there is anything that he would want to say; or anything he would need to say. Part of me meant that. Part of me did not want to speak with him because I just don't know what to say anymore and I don't know how he could think of anything else to say to me. The other part of me knew it was the stupidest thing in the world to say because I wanted to talk to him more than anything.

He called me this afternoon to "check in." I almost immediately started to cry while on the phone with him and told him that last night I just thought that if I could be with him drawing, I would be okay. I told him how hard it is to be literally two different people-- completely normal at times, and then suddenly a drop in mood and I have the razor in my hand. He took me through some deep breathing over the phone and then told me to go ahead and draw. He said, "You will be here with me tomorrow and I would love for you to bring in some drawings."

He said, "When you draw, just keep me there with you. Keep me with you."

He couldn't have said anything more perfect at that moment.

I'll see him tomorrow at 2.