I have been on this website for years and have been enduring all sorts of mental health issues, but I've never experienced anything like this.

I've felt suicidal, I've felt anxiety, I've felt fear but I've never ever felt sadness this intense in my life. I got into a relationship for the first time in my life and months into it has made me someone I barely recognise.

The smallest bumps in our relationships send me into a spiral of intense sadness that I can't even describe. Usually, I am able to go through the worse of things by simply detaching and mainly thinking my emotions. I've never been a crier, since I was little.

I experienced something quite traumatic last year, and I was still quite stable. I did self harm, and all that but I never felt anything quite like this.

When I cry, I feel like my body is trying to purge something out of me. The kind of sadness that renders me barely functional. I feel like I'm losing control of myself. I feel so trapped in my body, I wish everything would stop. It's so scary, I want to enjoy being in love and being in this relationship but it's brought something out of me that I barely recognise or know how to handle.

The other day, we had a fight that I instigated, and I cried so hard that I lost my voice and a vein in my facial area swelled up.. My immune system has gone down the drain because of how stressed and sad I've been.

What's happening to me? My boyfriend is so good to me but there is something about being in a relationship that's triggered something in me and I'm so trapped. I feel like I would die if something bad happened in this relationship. I literally feel like that.

I've never been like this in my life. This is the first time in 20+ years that I've felt this.

BACKSTORY: I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD, OCD and anorexia nervosa in the past, but it's been long since my trauma has affected my daily life. I consider myself recovered from all of it.
This is my first relationship ever. I chose to be single my whole life but recently gave it a chance.