Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me, it certainly has made me think, I was able to relate to almost all of your posts and they have all been very helpful.
I have been stuck in a viscious circle, depressed and low , drink to feel better /numb, feel worse the next day etc etc . i managed one night without getting hammered, went out yesterday for a civilised lunch date, insisted to my friends I wasnt drinking, decided to have just one, six hours later, very drunk and cant remember getting home. Feel totally ashamed and angry with myself today and very anxious. I really do need to get a grip of this , feel a bit better that I have now come to the realisation that this is getting out of hand now and no longer in a state of denial about it.

Thanks ever so much
xxx