I need this safe place tonight.

I love my dad, I hate the way he talks to my mom. I love my mom, I hate the way she talks about my dad. And there's no way to avoid either it seems. I'm an adult, this stuff shouldn't bother me like it does, but I get so damn anxious and my intrusive thoughts get worse. I begin to panic but I can't do that in front of them. I can't just freak out like that when they're both pissed off. It all just makes me feel helpless (which doesn't help my PTSD) and hopeless. Like nothing is right, to everything is wrong, to why am I here, to I need to be punished because I don't deserve to be around, to screw it I give up fighting my SH urges (which always leaves me feeling ****ing terrible). After all of that I don't even want to get up off the couch I'm so exhausted.

I just want to scream and tell everyone to shut up. I can't handle confrontation and that's all there is here. Then everyone acts like it never happened but all of it won't quit playing in my head, over and over. It follows me into my dreams and sometimes even to the next morning. Then it goes away due to being replaced by new confrontation. I had to take an extra dose of my AP and my prn. Everything just set me off. Why am I so weak? They get over it, what the hell is wrong with me?