Quote:
Originally Posted by Só leigheas
I need this safe place tonight.
I love my dad, I hate the way he talks to my mom. I love my mom, I hate the way she talks about my dad. And there's no way to avoid either it seems. I'm an adult, this stuff shouldn't bother me like it does, but I get so damn anxious and my intrusive thoughts get worse. I begin to panic but I can't do that in front of them. I can't just freak out like that when they're both pissed off. It all just makes me feel helpless (which doesn't help my PTSD) and hopeless. Like nothing is right, to everything is wrong, to why am I here, to I need to be punished because I don't deserve to be around, to screw it I give up fighting my SH urges (which always leaves me feeling ****ing terrible). After all of that I don't even want to get up off the couch I'm so exhausted.
I just want to scream and tell everyone to shut up. I can't handle confrontation and that's all there is here. Then everyone acts like it never happened but all of it won't quit playing in my head, over and over. It follows me into my dreams and sometimes even to the next morning. Then it goes away due to being replaced by new confrontation. I had to take an extra dose of my AP and my prn. Everything just set me off. Why am I so weak? They get over it, what the hell is wrong with me?
|
Absolutely. We both share a common emotion.
I have lost my feeling of anger due to my hallcuinations and delusions. I was told by them the powerful people will help me to achieve my dreams OR I will get killed if I don't listen to them. They picked on my mental illness, ironically enough (they don't exist) and even when I searched 'fantasy prone personality' which I believe my psychiatrist told me of, I heard voices like, "He's calling us non-existent." Really makes sense now.
Never even knew irony could get to this level.
What's more disturbing, is that my mother wants me to use as a tool so people will fear her and her relatives. Which, by the way, includes only my little sister and my dad... she keeps telling me I was raised in a good way (explains why I am brain damaged and everyone takes me as a joke) and I should aim to be a top ranking police officer, which by the way, has the same training as the military... I am a chair potato and it doesn't sound very realistic to my shattered mind.
So yes, I too cannot cry, crying is for the weak, I cannot laugh, "Why are you laughing you idiot?" when I laugh at jokes that keep playing in my mind, I cannot scream, it'll attract attention.... I am an emotionless disabled enablist. The level of irony in my life is so great it's ridiculous.
I am currently listening to Eminem's live songs, and precisely
, and I love the part...
Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside.
Guess who's back (Slim Shady), back again (Slim Shady), Shady's back (Slim Shady), Tell a friend (Slim Shady) Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back... (Slim Shady)
I created a monster, 'cause nobody wants to see Marshall [me] no more, they want Shady. I am chopped liver. If you want Shady, this is just what I'll get ya.
Nobody likes upright, good people. They're unfit for survival. If you've a destiny to save the world, like I had, you'll end up dying before you're even born. Or is it my destiny that has made me like this, born as a joke yet trying hardest to be a savior? Or I am in a grey area of being a genius and a stupid person? An extremely grey area?