Hello portishead: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral!

I'm sorry you are experiencing so much distress. Of course we here on PC cannot diagnose you, as you probably realize. However, based on what you wrote, it sounds as though at least some of what you are struggling with may be related to OCD? There is a forum, here on PC, dedicated to the subject of OCD. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/ocd-...chotillomania/

There is one form of OCD that is referred to as "pure O". Family therapist, Kati Morton, has a video on her YouTube channel on the subject of pure O. Here's a link to Kati's video:



Also here's a link to an article, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of pure O:

Pure Obsessional OCD

And then since you mentioned having anxiety & panic attacks here are links to some articles that offer tips on how to manage these conditions along with one that offers suggestions for managing intrusive thoughts:

9 Ways to Reduce Anxiety Right Here, Right Now

15 Small Steps You Can Take Today to Improve Anxiety Symptoms

https://psychcentral.com/lib/top-10-...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-to...-attack/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...panic-attacks/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/three-...nxiety-attack/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/dbt/2...sive-thoughts/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.