Hello Turquoisetree: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I have to say my story is entirely different than yours. But I know something about hiding important parts of yourself from everyone. And I know it is exhausting!

I'm not a mental health professional. But, based on my own experience, I will tell you that I believe the answer to your problem lies in finding a skilled therapist with whom you can talk all of this through at-length & in-depth. You need to air all of this out & let the sunshine in. There is no way, that I know of, to make this go away alone. And continuing to ruminate over it is, to my mind, a prescription for ongoing unhappiness. It can sometimes take a few tries to find a therapist you feel comfortable with. (Not every therapist works well with every client.) But if you can find the right one for you talking all of this through will, I believe, be the best way to resolve what continuing to hold it all in is doing to you.

Here are links to a selection of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help:

When You Feel Absolutely Awful About Yourself—Regularly

9 Ways to Let Go of Stuck Thoughts

7 Ways to Stop Obsessing

9 Ways to Stop Obsessing

Some Ideas to Help Stop Obsessing

https://psychcentral.com/blog/using-...o-reclaim-joy/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-way...ood-therapist/

https://psychcentral.com/find-therapist/

https://psychcentral.com/find-help/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-do...r-john-grohol/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.