I saw the pdoc today. Still in mixed episode, which according to the disability form he handed me after the appointment was worded Bipolar I mixed, severe. OK, well that alone is disability enough, but of course, he adds severe panic disorder (he seems to like the word "severe") because I also have severe decompenasations whenever I try to work, which is true. Well, and then he adds panic disorder and all the others, throwing in ADHD which I may or may not have as that could all be med side effects. God knows I've been on psych drugs forever.

This stupid mixed state or my forgetfulness, whatever, made me forget to ask the pdoc for therapist recommendations. Maybe I'll ask the social worker over at the PCP's clinic. What is she there for after all? I also forgot to to tell him I'm forgetting things a lot and dissociating quite a bit, nearly always when running (though I can snap myself back to reality if I want to), sometimes, just at home. I really wanted to let him know about the dissociation problem, but then I mentioned my mail order pharmacy not sending me my meds problem being out of Buspar for God knows how long, only 1 Seroquel 400 mg pill left (I have a good hunch suddenly to skip a dose of Seroquel 400 mg would not be pleasant), running low on others too. So had to have sideline discussion about pharmacy/mail-order pharmacy (which insurance insisted I use and messed everything up). Now, I'm not sure if I had increased anxiety & panic attacks over the last week because that is where I'm at mentally or it's missing the Buspar. Luckily, Buspar is not supposed to have withdrawal effects, though it warns there can be an increase in anxiety. After that, pdoc asked what my weight was. I told him the number I thought I told him last week. Oops. Today the number I told him was lower than last time, but only by 1 lb. That is a pretty good weight estimate for me during the day, just not first thing in the morning. Now, here I really don't understand why I didn't ask him for a list of therapists. We discussed my looking for therapy, having a hard time even just finding a regular therapist, not ED-based therapist. Pdoc says DBT or CBT ofen works best on EDs. Well, I'd never heard of DBT until I few days ago, but CBT did get me out of severe anorexia, so I can't knock it. Told him lots of factors were making it hard for me to find a therapist. Then, I completely forget to ask him about recommendations or if the front desk might have recommendations. Hopefully, I'm feeling better to tomorrow, and I'll get back on that therapy thing though I need to get the disability form sent to the state too.

I had to take low dose Seroquel to calm sky high anxiety after yelling on the phone and cursing out CVS Caremark. Well, I'm sure that would be a nice recorded call if you ever had to go back and listen. But I wasted over 2 hours to try to get my meds on the way and get a few loaners of Buspar, hydroxyzine, and Seroquel 400 mg.

Something else I wanted to post here, but again, I forgot! Hopefully, I can make it a whole 2 weeks before seeing the pdoc again by having to come in early or calling him on his cell phone. I've already called his phone an amazing number of times, given that he only started up as my pdoc the very last couple days of March. Probably thinking he's got a needy case on his hands. And it is disconcerting to realize yep, with that perforated ulcer thing, I would have died if my daughter hadn't got H home in time. I wouldn't have wanted to bother calling his classroom phone because that number has an extension to look up first. And by the time I'd know I needed 911, it would have been too late. That whole thing was super traumatic from house to ambulance to surgery to hospitalization & pain to recovery that no doctor could give an estimate on how long it would take.