I feel lousy in a wired, depressed way. Mixed. First time I have declined a med since I’ve been seeing my pdoc since 10+ years. He wanted me to get off Geodon and try Vyralar, gave me samples. The other choice was Rexulti. I researched both online thoroughly and, nope, will not do.

Called him and told him let’s bump my Geodon back up. Explained that I won’t take either of the meds he suggested, based on research and thinking it over. Told him I appreciate us working together on my meds. And that I know it’s not been easy getting me stable, but I appreciated being under his care.

He called back and gave the thumbs up on the Geodon and called it in. *whew*

He’s running out of treatment options for me. He mentioned ECT two appointments ago and he’s never uttered the acronym in my presence. He mentioned maybe I should move close to a research hospital. And some magnet thing,

He’s mentioned the hospital a lot,too, but has never forced me. I’ve been a bunch of times and the med changes did not work and the lack of privacy triggers my C-PTSD.

I’m not going to hurt myself. I am lucky to be alive from serious, past attempts. It no more. I just feel like Im in hell, everything is my fault, Ima waste of space, functionality is zilch, what a LOSER.

This is from ongoing stress, this episode. And grief. My boyfriend is getting down, feeling the stress, too. (He is also Type 1).

@BirdDancer, thanks for the info. Maybe the rules have changed. I’m hanging on by my fingernails with a mixed episode right now. I probably can’t objectively focus on it right now. I appreciate you replying.