Putting on imaginary electric shock collar and vowing not to fight with him didn’t work. I can’t cope with feeling invalidated by him. The wounds will never heal. I told him what to say, but he still just defends himself. He does that obviously because he truly thinks he didn’t abuse me and doesn’t feel remorse or compassion for me. Even at the cost of his marriage, he couldn’t even say what I wanted to hear. Feeling sad I couldn’t cope with being with this infuriating person. Even if I tell myself that he did nothing to me, that it was all me with a disorder who manufactured this push/pull, I can’t cope with not getting what I need. There’s nothing I can do to change my response. I didn’t get hysterical. I didn’t SH. I can control my emotions to go so over the top that it looks like a disorder. But I can’t control my injured dignity which makes me end this toxic marriage. I certainly tried everything I know. I said I would accept him for as he is with no expectations of him changing. But I can’t handle him continuing to act the exact same way every time we have the same conversation— even after I put the words in his mouth I want to hear and rehearsed him— he won’t say them, he defends himself.

Yet when confronted, he says he knows he is at fault and he did hurt me, but he won’t say that when it comes up, he defends himself.