My life has been a nightmare the last couple of months. Unemployment, starvation, chronic illness, family issues, solitude, you name it. I'm going to be honest here, I'm almost 30 and I have zero friends. I had a few when I was younger but that was it, I always felt like an outsider and was never one to make a lot of friends. Fast forward to now, here I am, chronically ill, disabled, spending most of my days at home all by myself reading, having almost no human interaction... and then I meet someone (I'm not going to specify how because it doesn't really matter.) For the first time in my life I've been going on dates and it's been so nice, I like this person. The problem is I feel like I don't deserve them. This person is too popular, has a lot of friends, isn't socially awkward, the opposite of me. I imagined meeting this person's friends and them hating me because of how socially awkward I am. Most people perceive it as me being a b*itch when in fact I'm just struggling to comunicate and I don't know how to do it. Deep down inside I long to talk to people but I don't know how to interact with humans, it's always so awkward...
Maybe I'm putting much thought into it, maybe this person will most likely get tired of me, because that's what always happens, and I won't hear from them again so I'm probably getting worked up for no reason. I just don't understand why am I like this? Why can't I enjoy the time I spend with this person? Why is it such a big issue to interact with other people? Why do I want them to like me so much? Why am I so afraid to act awkward in front of them and then be made fun of? Does anyone have such severe issues when it comes to communicating? I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder but sometimes I think there's something else. Why can't I just be carefree like them? The fact that I'm disabled also doesn't help, there's a lot of stuff I can't do and I always feel like a weirdo whenever I have to tell this person I can't do this or that, whenever this happens I just want to die from shame, how I wish I could just be... normal.
There's also other problem, I know one of this persons ex and they are absolutely gorgeous, the ex is everything I'm not and now I can't stop comparing myself to the ex. Why would this person want someone like me when he can have someone like that? I swear I don't understand, sometimes I think life is pulling a prank on me. I just wish I could be normal, go on dates, live a regular life. I'm anxious all the time, now I'm even more anxious because we have no money to pay our electric bill and the company will most likely cut the power at any moment. There goes my online job search, there goes my phone and the worst thing is that I have no idea when will we be able to pay the bill so that could mean months in the dark... I was happy because I almost got this job at a clothing store very close to my house, he was going to hire me right there but as soon as I mentioned my disability he told me he was going to call me later. Of course he didn't. I have a friend who knows him and she told me she talked to him and that she was sure he is going to hire me but so far he hasn't called. I'm losing my hopes of ever having a normal life...