I'm pretty good at hiding my emotional pain. I do it because I don't want people to think I'm different. I don't want people to think less of me. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want to appear as a "normal" everyday person. My parents and family don't know half the **** I go through and I don't really want them to know so I put on a "everything is ok" face, even if it's not. Even at my worst (psychosis, hallucinations, a delusions) I attempted to hide it from people but by that point it was kind of obvious. The only person that really knows my symptoms and signs and can read me well is my wife and I STILL try to put on a strong face so she doesn't worry about me.

Now that I've had my stroke 3 months ago I'm going through the same kind of thing, but only physically now. I have no feeling in my right arm or leg and right after the stroke I could barely walk and my arm was useless. Hell, I've had to relearn to write and tie my shoes (which I can now tie my shoes on my own... one of my few and very proud accomplishments in the last month might I add). In therapy I fight like hell and I try to hide/mask my pain the therapy is causing. I try to play it off and I'll tell everyone it's really not that bad... when sometimes, it is. I even mask/hide the anger and frustration I feel when I can't even do simple things like fit a peg into a hole or recall words. Everyone tells me it's ok because I had a stroke and that's just part of it. But again, I get so angry with myself that there are times I lock myself in the bathroom and cry so no one sees me all the while trying to play off the strong person that can do anything to overcome these challenges.

So, yeah I do it... both emotionally and physically. I wish I could change that but I can't seem to get past it.