I am not sure how this therapist will be, but at least she is nearby (as in a 5 minute drive). I have not met her yet though I get the impression she is African American. Which may be what I need. It is nothing I purposely did (other than choosing women therapists), but I realized all my past therapists have been white women. I never picked therapists by race, that’s just how the cards always fell. I don’t know. I haven’t seen a picture of her, more an impression I got from her voice, words she used. But even over the phone, she seems really nice, considering I called early and woke her I think. I had been expecting to get voicemail and not an actual person on the phone. Race likely doesn’t play into it but maybe it does, 12 to 15 therapists, all white women, not clicking with one. Now I think I will be disappointed if she turns out to be white. But anyway, I am going to try her, give her a chance no matter her race; she takes my insurance, has quick availability. Hopefully, she works out. If not, maybe I will go with trying a male T.

And God knows I need someone to talk to, or I would not have sent that email that got me into the CPS thing to begin with.

My old pdoc could see through me too. If she even suspected I was lying about my weight, especially during the relapse I had in 2015, I ended up right on her scale, and she’d call the PCP telling the PCP’s office they needed to call me and make an appointment. If I tried to hide hypomania because it feels so good, she knew it. I have seen my PCP ever since I married H, 14 years ago. I think I got with her just as she was starting to practice on her own. She has seen me normal weight,underweight, severely underweight, pregnant, pretty much everything. She just looks at me and tells me straight out how it is. You get to x weight, nothing will stop me from hospitalization. She sees I have a large water bottle with me and knows I drank a ton of water before getting weighed to weigh more on the scale and deducts numbers from my official weight that visit. Jackets and coats are off. I don’t try any ED tricks when I see her, even if I am having a relapse. But she’s perceptive about other stuff too, such as yes, I do have a disability or disabilities and can’t work. She listens to the psych stuff too even if it is just an annual exam.

My husband tries to keep me out of the hospital too. I haven’t been hospitalized since I have known H (we dated and lived together a couple years before marriage). So far, my last hospitalization was in graduate school, early 2000’s. So it’s been a decade, though I have had close calls or even told H I thought I needed to go (he’d talk me out of it).