Wow, I can't believe I forgot a really important part of that session. Including it here so I don't edit yet again and make it even longer.

In relation to what happened with the email, we talked about internalizing other people's caring and how difficult that can be for me. I was trying to figure out how to do that, at least with T, and said when I thought back to Monday's session, if I really thought about it, I remembered how he'd just listened and accepted what I said, even the stuff I felt bad about. And that he'd been caring. How maybe I should have just thought about that instead of sending the email, but it's hard when I'm in a certain state. He said it's something that would take practice, that I might have to do a lot of, the thinking back to evidence that someone cares or loves me.

Me: "I feel at one point I did internalize ex-MC. Like it didn't completely last, but it did for periods of time. It's like I felt him...uh, I'm trying to figure out a way to say this that doesn't sound weird." All I kept thinking was "I felt him inside me," which sounded kind of sexual." Me: "I guess that I felt his caring inside me me." T: "I was going to say 'love.'" Me: "..."

It surprised me that T used that word. Was he suggesting that maybe, possibly, in some way, ex-MC did feel some sort of love for me? Or at least that it was OK if I experienced it that way, like I felt love from him, even though maybe ex-MC didn't necessarily feel that (or if he did, that he'd never say it)? And is it OK that maybe, at times, I feel love from current T? (Not to say he feels that for me at all or ever would, just if I'm feeling it from him.) Of course I was too afraid to ask any of this...