[There are slight mentions of abusive relationships, parents, and friends. As well as struggles to find yourself. Be warned!]

Hello! I hope you're all doing well today!

Honestly, my day has been fine, though a bit uneventful.

However, for years now, I've been wondering something. Because I have a genuinely terrible memory and I block so many things out. The way I talk, think, and act change basically every day. I have so many mixed, powerful emotions--but I also feel nothing at all. It's such a strange combination.

I often feel as if I'm at odds with myself. Like two people are consistently arguing in my head. I see it like that all the time. That two people are fighting over how things should go and it's pulling me in every which way. I act rashly and can't think straight, or I'm too cautious and think too much.

When I was younger, in grade school, I believed there was another part of me known as Levine. He was really smart, though a skeptic and was perceived to be too honest for his own good. It contrasted heavily with these other random spurts of shyness, friendliness, and quirkiness I would have. Eventually--from the advice of other people, I stopped associating that other part of me as a different person. It never felt right, however.

Nowadays, I'm not too sure what I'm like; and these two sides are constantly at odds, trying to make the right decision. Especially when it comes to ways of treating other people and general problems in my life.

I have terrible paranoia and I can't get close to others anymore. I had a troubled childhood with my family, got abandoned by friends, and had abusive relationships. Beyond that--I've been in a couple dangerous situations with strangers and it really shook me up. I often feel a bit safer when I confide in these two. But at the same time, when I talk to others about it, they often say that I shouldn't "pretend to be" someone that I'm not. Even though I have no idea what that means. I don't know who I am or what these things are. If they're truly other personalities or if I'm just confused.

Before I seek professional help about this issue, which I've been wanting to do; I want to see what you all think. Do you relate to anything that I've put here?