I appreciate that Bill, but it's like, I don't know how to describe it.

It's not that in my life I've never been told that I'm better than mediocre. I just can't see anything else. It's like when I was cleaning this unlisted house with my friends. We cleaned this place, stained the floors and fixed a bathroom from hell. We cleaned on this house for five days straight, spending at least eight hours there a day/night (none of us really slept). By the time we were done, my two friends were proud of what we did, of the work we put in and the "fantastic" results. I didn't see it that way. I still saw dirt, I still saw mold and cobwebs. It wasn't clean. I told them that and then told them I wanted to do one more once over with sweeping and vacuuming at least. They didn't let me because that'd be the fifth time I would've done it. They saw something pristine. I saw filth. I've been told I excel at writing stories. I still only see all of the errors and reuse of words, terrible descriptions and poor set up. I still only see mediocrity. So, I try and teach myself better ways to write but to no avail. It's still and will always be mediocre.

Yeah, I have depression but I'm treating it. I have trauma and not the best childhood, but who doesn't? My work is pathetic. I'm pathetic.

You could be right, if I look at this from an outsider's perspective I can see that you could be right. But when I look at my work, it's just **** in comparison to those who excel.