Quote:
Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones
The more I come back to this thread, the more I feel stupid. I can't even really think about how to put my thoughts down in writing.
Growing up I was teased/made fun of for failing at simple tasks. Always followed by a "[You need to be] smarter than the machine/whatever it was". I wasn't able to ride a bike as a kid. I even tried again as an adult and I can sort of do it, but not well enough to actually ride anywhere. And no one seems to understand how it feels to not be able to do something virtually ever small child can do. I had speech issues growing up...I remember working with a speech therapist. Talking clearly can still be an issue now but in most cases, no one notices. Unless of course, it's one of the words I struggle with every time...which makes you feel stupid in front of your professors when you have to use the word and you can't pronounce it. I have a difficult time remembering things and recalling the right information at the moment. I memorize a lot of
things based on patterns...maybe why I was better at math than classes that required more memorization of facts? I also can't remember/process instructions/directions etc. aurally very well. If I'm given driving directions, they must be written or given to me one at a time or I'll only remember the last one I'm told.
In my career field, there are simple things and things that I have to be able to do that I really struggle with because of attention problems and physical
limitations and it makes me feel so inferior. If you're teaching music to little kids, you're also teaching them to snap their fingers. I can only snap with one hand. I always had a hard time with music dictation (or transcription) or learning music by ear because of memory and attention.
All in all, I look dumb but people find out that I'm smart so I'm always afraid I'm going to be made fun of for looking dumb. And yet I could write complex music with little score study...I mean, every composer is "supposed" to study scores,
but I only did it if I had to. I pretty much got everything I needed from playing other people's music and by instinct. So maybe some sort of idiot savant...I don't know.
All I know is I feel inferior to almost everyone pretty much all the time. I can't keep close relationships because of it. A lot of posts on this thread end up sounding like people calling me stupid.
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—-nobody is calling you stupid or hinting that or inferring that. Some of us struggle every day of our lives, just in a different way. I laughed when you mentioned idiot savant because I have called myself that. Even when I’m really messed up w my bipolar mixed states, I have some insights that some people around me don’t notice. You didn’t tell the whole story in the first post, so how could we know all you’ve been thru. You are all the more amazing for what you have accomplished. Many of us have advanced degrees, but on our bad days some of us are totally faking it. During my bad episodes, I have severe confusion (I don’t cry as a rule—-repressing crying so I could work and function may have caused that). In my worst days I can’t do math, at all. However, in less stressful periods, I can sometimes be completely normal for an entire year.
I was the star in my family until my slacker brother finally decided to apply himself to get into law school and became a top litigator and head of the board of the am cancer society worldwide. Yes that makes me feel like an also ran sometimes. And the people in my family that haven’t had depression, let alone bp mixed just don’t get it. Hey during episodes I’m faking it all the time.
So we get it , we really do. I’m proud that I stuck it out like you did, but for you it was even a bigger accomplishment. I’m proud to know you and all our family here on the forum welcomes you.
What are your diagnoses? Maybe you could be supported a lot more by the professionals. We’re behind you, we support you, we believe in you. Hugs.