Quote:
Originally Posted by Só leigheas
I appreciate that Bill, but it's like, I don't know how to describe it.
It's not that in my life I've never been told that I'm better than mediocre. I just can't see anything else. It's like when I was cleaning this unlisted house with my friends. We cleaned this place, stained the floors and fixed a bathroom from hell. We cleaned on this house for five days straight, spending at least eight hours there a day/night (none of us really slept). By the time we were done, my two friends were proud of what we did, of the work we put in and the "fantastic" results. I didn't see it that way. I still saw dirt, I still saw mold and cobwebs. It wasn't clean. I told them that and then told them I wanted to do one more once over with sweeping and vacuuming at least. They didn't let me because that'd be the fifth time I would've done it. They saw something pristine. I saw filth. I've been told I excel at writing stories. I still only see all of the errors and reuse of words, terrible descriptions and poor set up. I still only see mediocrity. So, I try and teach myself better ways to write but to no avail. It's still and will always be mediocre.
Yeah, I have depression but I'm treating it. I have trauma and not the best childhood, but who doesn't? My work is pathetic. I'm pathetic.
You could be right, if I look at this from an outsider's perspective I can see that you could be right. But when I look at my work, it's just **** in comparison to those who excel.
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It really matters what your definition of 'mediocre' is. Don't compare yourself to those "who excel" or other ******** like that. Look, I know friends who are perfectly normal teenagers in every aspect, starting right from driving expensive geared bikes of rich friends to going on dates every weekend. They still are in the first year of getting a diploma of engineering. Here I have completed junior college and now even a B.Sc student. I think it would have been real nice if I was normal just like them, but since I am not, I don't need to go back into my mind and blame myself for not being normal, it's just what is, and as my primary doc put it, I still (he didn't use the word 'still') can be a successful doctor and I will eventually learn how to ride geared bikes and my parents' grip on my life is going to lessen eventually.
Now, I don't want to feed you bullcrap, but here's what is, I am academically mediocre but I still have chances of going into med school. I still can give the Medical Entrance Exam and ace it and get admitted in a government medical college. My other friends may quit education and end up homeless (I don't want it to happen , of course) but I have something they don't, they have something I don't.
I can convert this situation with enough effort, getting admitted to a hostel and live my life the way I want to. Of course, there'd be some problem, like the fact there are no barbers near the college, but I cannot expect the situation to be perfect.
I am not feeding you ********, it's just how I genuinely view the situation now. My advice would be do improve yourself weekly by whatever amount you can, and compare yourself to yourself only. Then after a year, you'd be excellent too.