really weird night - t tried to do a "relaxation" thing and it totally had me split into several pieces. It was like a visualization, a meadow with an oak tree in it... feel the air... then changed and i didn't get to hear it because part was arguing with me about how i keep blocking that part's attempts to self harm. Got into bad food all weekend, wanted to SI.... I keep blocking and the part was mad at me. We got to a point where I didn't feel i even had a body any more. she asked me some questions and i could barely move yet alone talk. no sensation of body. i got to move a finger an inch... and then make my head nod... i begged some other parts to please speak so t knew we were in trouble. finally, one did (thanks be given). When coming back into my body, i felt upside down... i couldn't tell if i was sitting (like i was when we started) or standing, lying, hanging from my ankles... it was really weird. I told her what happened during that; the part fighting me through the whole thing... how i lost my body... She asked me if i was grounded - i said mostly and that I would need to sit in my car a bit before leaving...
then she just ended - see you next week! Ummm.. hello!! i was really not ready to be thrown out into the world.
i went out and to the store - to try and ground...
I was sooooo very cold, i was shaking still from the experience, and then from the walk outside, and then just got super cold. i tried to get someone's attention at the store so i could get some tea, but i would have been 19 cents short.... so i was gonna just ask for hot water, but the dude never looked up. then i remembered i had hot soup in the car (also help to ground). On the freeway, i broke down cryin - part became self and self didn't want to ever go back - too hard to recover just from session! I know t's tryin to help me recover from past, and not just do "maitenence therapy", but you know, i don't know how many times i can put the pieces back together and keep functioning. I just dunno. then come home and have to have the pieces together for the family - like everything's fine. insta-scab... that can be ripped off next week and allowed to freely bleed until i have to function again.
i'm switching just writing this. =(
reaching out....
kiya