Had my second session for the week today. Lay down the same way I always do. T asked me what's up. After some silence, I said I'm scared. Scared of what? Dying. He asked whether something had happened the past two days? I said no. He asked then why do you think about dying? I told him the humanity is ****ed and I'd rather go in peace now than experiencing thirst, famine and war while watching the world destroy itself. He answered he felt like I was angry. "Of course I'm angry!" - "Who are you mad at, me?" No, pretty much everyone. Of course him as well, he's just like any other human being. I'm angry at everyone, including me and him. He asked why that was the case and I said because everyone just looks out for themselves. Because humanity is selfish, and even if I try to do my part about it, it's not gonna change most peope. I said I'm frustrated I can't change other humans. He said if I could I'd be god.
At some point he said he feels that no matter what he'd say right now, I'd just disagree with it and argue my point against it. I said that yes, that was correct. He commented on how it seemed like a power struggle, to which I probably made some snappy comment but I can't remember what I said.

We somehow got back to dying. After some discussion, I said that I'd rather die now when I'm reasonably happy and in a good place. I had over 20 years of **** before this, and my future doesn't look too bright either, so why not now? He asked me what I felt like other people feel when I talk like this? I answered that I don't really know. I know that it depends on the situation. If somebody says they want to die when diagnosed with alzheimers, people would understand. But for some reason since I'm young and physically healthy, people seem to not understand. He replied that some people can understand very well. But that there's also other feelings involved.. "What do you think I feel right now?" Me: "You're probably worried, scared and sad". He agreed that all of these popped up for him. That in the end I'd have to decide for myself whether I want to die. That dying was an option and a valid decision. I said that if I could decide freely, I'd not want to die. But that I felt I didn't really have any options left, my future seems pretty hopeless. He asked whether I felt like this because I just finished my education and don't exactly know how it's going to continue? I told him that it was rather because Africa is going to run out of water, the US will turn into a desert and Asia is pretty clearly hopeless as well. He told me that that was one way of seeing it, but I argued that science was backing me up pretty well.

To that he replied that science also said that I might be feeling a lot of negativity inside of me and project it onto the outside world because that's easier to deal with. And that I probably couldn't tell whether that's the case currently. I don't remember the rest of the conversation here.

At some point he asked me to tell him what I was currently experiencing, adding "and forget about Africa!". I tried to feel it and said I was sad. I cried for a while, then said I felt sick and my head hurts (probably because at that point I was already crying for 45 minutes or so). He asked whether I felt breathing was hard, which I agreed to (obviously, my nose was completely closed up because of crying). After a short while of silence, he asked what I was thinking. I replied that I don't have any kind of future, that my life feels hopeless and that I can't do anything to change what happens. More crying. He then told me to answer the same things again. I said my head still hurts and my leg feels tense. "Your left leg?" (that's the one where I usually self harm). I nodded. He told me to change how I sit, adding maybe I could try upright. I didn't want to do that, but I managed to get into some position of sitting cross-legged while still lying down, supporting my legs with the arm rest of the chair. He said that would cut of circulation in my legs real quick, but I felt like I can watch out for myself. He also commented on how my neck was probably tense as well. After a few seconds, he wanted to know whether there's still any kind of thoughts? I told him there were less and that I mostly tried to concentrate on how I felt.

We then talked a bit while I tried to calm down. At some point I told him I felt remorseful. He asked why. Be cause I made him worry, because I was behaving the way I was and talking the way I was. He said that it's important to understand that while he has feelings and worries, those emotions are never as strong as mine are. That he can distance himself from these things. He talked some more until I said I started getting scared. He made a wild guess of that this might be due to the fact that I realized we were two different entities and don't share all emotions. Which in hindsight on the one hand makes sense and on the other hand was not at all my experience at the time. So I felt like getting mad again, but also didn't want to fight any more.

He said that it was important that he doesn't experience feelings the same way, otherwise I'd be scared and then he'd get scared and then that wouldn't be therapeutic, he'd scare me even more and make everything worse. But that he's still always there and we experience and try to tolerate the feelings together. And that one day I'll realize that that the fear isn't that bad after all. He asked me whether I felt it was better to stop here and I nodded. We scheduled for next Wednesday as usual and shook hands.