I cried so much last night..haven't cried that much since I had a misscarriage nearly 16yrs ago now....I wrote and cried and wanted something so bad to take the pain away...gradually I think it became clear to me that I have a REAL GREAT fear of being left....I've known this intellectually of course, but never ever experienced the pain caused by this....I think the major thing that was behind this was the moment I was told I was adopted...it wasn't done well and I was only 5 and how ever I reacted to it back then must have been split of from my awareness....after that I have lived life angry because I had lost the abilty to take having a mother for granted, I had lost the my world as I knew up until that point, I had lost the ablity to trust the world, I had just lost, and T going away last week to me was more reminders that at any moment she could drop the bombshell that she isn't going to be here much longer hence I'd lost "us" yesterday, just like I'd lost how it was with my adoptive mother before I was told, how she couldn't handle dealing with my loss and turned away from me and I couldn't handle dealing with it and turned away too, we never repaired our relationship, it was never worked through, knowing this last night I Had the urge to want to work through back when it happened but knowing as a 5 yrold I didn't have the words to do this, it was never the same, I was never the same. I also realised that all the "Nice" transferences I have really are just as illusional as the "rage", that I finally got to see both extremes and I felt I'd lost the abilty to rest on the "nice" transferences too. I was shocked I think at how the humanbeing can be a saint and a sinner and never have to take a step to do this. I could be a murderer, my illusions of who-I-am were wacked by this revelation. I really was almost pyschotic with transference yesterday, I was loosing the abilty to keep hold of the reality that T is a T and not the wicked witch, I really had to struggle to get her back, to see some reality within this maddness. I konw now that I have this great fear inside of me, that rage will try and keep from my awareness, who'd have thought fear could be so painful. Last night I really wondered if I could go back to T and go through this again, but I know now that its inside of me whether I return to therapy or not and it will continue to be triggered in my day to day relationships in a drip fed way and that is almost as painful to contemplate now so I knwo I've got to go back. got to exorcise this crap!...I was reading "On learning from the patient" last night and before I had read it but never experienced this huge amount of rage and pain in such a short time and really disregarded the book as I was in the "couldn't happen to me" thinking, well I opened it at a place where a woman was going through excruiciating transference and I thoiught, oh it is happening to me. But I really felt I could have been capable of murder with the rage I had in me yesterday. Today? I feel better, more at peace again and more aware of what a humanbeing is capable of whether they know it or not!