So, don't worry. You don't have to read it and I don't expect much of a response. I just need to put it down somewhere.

September has always been a horrible month for me. Dealt with hurricanes Rita, Ike, and Harvey during September. It is also the month my mother passed away. It will be 11 years on the 24th, which is also the anniversary of Rita. WE are in the middle of transitioning from one city to a suburb of Houston. The old house (my dream house) is sold and the new one is under construction. In the interim we are staying with my step-dad, who is 80 years old and married my mom, his first marriage, when I was 27. At first, I thought this would be great. He'd have some company and my husband could help with some things around the house. Wrong. I'm having such a hard time staying here. Not because of my step-dad. Even though he didn't raise me I adore him and he's going over and above for us. I just didn't realize how hard it was going to be staying here without her. I haven't been back to the house much in the last 11 years. I talk to my step dad on the phone and he comes to our place. He's in good health so hasn't needed much care. I chalked it up to being busy. But, no, it's the emptiness.. I miss her so much. But, on the other hand, I'm so glad she isn't here to see what a mess I've made of my life. She'd be so disappointed in the affair (she adored my husband) and the DWI, and how I've disappointed my kids. But I still want her hugs. I can't seem to come out of the bedroom and visit with my step-dad and I know I need to. I haven't even been running much and there's a fabulous trail across the street from his place.

Secondly, early in adulthood I had the compulsive over spending that many of you mention. It made my husband over zealous about watching spending. In fact, he went to the extreme, watching every penny I spent. I stay out of the stores and off on line sites. We both make good (not loads) of money and, in fact, I make more money that he does (not by much). Before the affair he would blow up if I bought clothes or got my nails done, etc. So, if I would make an impulse buy I'd hide it from him. He would always discover it but I felt it gave me some breathing time. I made my first impulse buy today since the dx and our marital therapy. There's a jewelry store that has expensive jewelry and is unique in design. I like to go in and look with him so I wouldn't buy it. Today I noticed a Going Out of Business sign advertising 70-80% off. I went in and since I browse it so often I knew the prices were legitimately discounted. I wanted to two necklaces but forced myself to only get one. He's on his 24-hour shift and I was determined to tell him about it when he got home. Well, he checked the bank account at work, called and asked if I went shopping. I started to lie about what I bought but because I panicked since he "caught" me. I did what my t advised. Took three deep breaths and asked myself what was the worst thing that could happen if I told the truth. I did and told him I regretted it immediately after I bought it. He simply said, "don't feel guilty. You deserve it." That should've made me happy but it made me feel so guilty because of all the pain I've put him through and he's being so good to me. I just don't deserve it. I can't do anything but lay here and cry. I'm sure I won't sleep tonight since he's working. He's gotten so good at assuaging my anxiety and calming me down.

For anyone who took time to read that ramble thank you.