Quote:
Originally Posted by Xynesthesia
. . . I am thinking about this again also in relation to your story, how people in your childhood rejected certain aspects of you and then the T did the same. And now you think it's your grand evil issue! I don't know... why I originally asked what exactly happened. I may be very wrong but just have a feeling that those people in your life blew it way out of proportion and you may be left with a sense that you are flawed and incapable of managing social relations well. I am not sure who is incapable really... maybe you are more just unmotivated?
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My sense of being flawed comes from childhood I think -- and is, or was, in a sense accurate in that I had suffered an enormous emotional trauma in the hospital when I was 3, nobody understood or knew about it. My trust in people and my mother was broken, my self was fragmented. I felt that split, something was broken. I had a some dreams I remember from childhood. And/but -- I managed. There was no "healing" at the time. Like a child broke a leg bone and nobody knew how to set it. The trauma therapy succeeded in that I "recovered" the emotional memory of that experience and have been working on my own to integrate it.
"Part" of me has been unmotivated to relate to others, as I mentioned above. That "part" was split off in that experience that I mentioned, I believe.
The anger and aggression has seemed to me (the rest of me) to be a "demon", which I have been somewhat aware of and tried to face and confront for 15 years or so. And I have, sort of, though it is still raw in its experience, as you mentioned.
I do think it's fair to say that things got blown out of proportion -- by others and myself. And then they got "stuck" there.
The challenge is, I guess, how to bring them back into proportion. But having the situation pointed out helps to bring focus to the challenge.
Thanks. I'm not complacent about it -- still working and hoping for things to get better. In that, I am not unmotivated at all.