I asked and tried to investigate this question myself pretty thoroughly. In part, because I was aware of these concepts from start and also that it's the favorite part of his modality to work with the bad parenting-associated anger and aggression in clients. I knew it about him before start because he talks about his view and approaches to therapy extensively online, but when I decided to contact him, his interest in these specific things was not really on my mind. I basically wanted to try psychoanalysis in general, and this analyst had a lot of info online, happened to live in my city, and claimed to also have addiction (which was my primary issue, although in remission at the time) as a specialty. Looking at his online media, he also seemed radically different from me in his style and personality, and that was a motivating factor at the time because I purposefully wanted to work with a T whom I perceived very different from myself and my usual choice of people. The latter was to kinda counter a life-long pattern - see what comes of it. Maybe he could give me a fresh look at things?

It is a long story of course and I will just cut to the question. For a while, I did not even notice the manipulations or did not worry about them at all. I was not worried about my therapy either - nothing too remarkable happened other than having a place to go every week to discuss personal things and psychology. He was mildly useful around the stress dealing with my rapidly declining/dying father, but not my main support by any means. He actually stated himself that he could not work with me in the way he usually does with most clients (through those bad object/aggression paths), we discussed it multiple times and tended to conclude that it may be because I simply don't have those things significantly in my history, not childhood history at least. Of course I encountered a few manipulative, self absorbed, abusive people in my life (mostly professional life) but who has not? I never had a pattern of seeking them out, more the opposite. So the T and I discussed trying to work with me differently. Well, that was what failed on his end later - I think he just does not know how, quite unable to get out of his own world, what he had experienced, known, and focused on in most of his career. I probably should have left him right away - analogy: why do I go to, say, a GI specialist if I need a cardiologist? Or at least I know I do not need a GI specialist? It was certainly my fault and laziness as well.

With time, specific issues with the T started to accumulate (mostly sloppiness and the occasional condescending tone that irritated me) and I began to wonder what it was all about. I started to pay a lot more attention to the T himself, both in our 1:1 interactions and kinda analyzing his online media and acts. At fist I really believed that his acts with me were therapy techniques, especially since they matched all I knew about his philosophy. I also could not believe someone would do many of the things he did unconsciously - that level of sloppiness, defensiveness whenever we disagreed and I challenged him, all the attempted manipulations (that usually failed, which triggered him even further). Long story short, with time and some of my own manipulative efforts that I am not proud of, I've figured that most of what the T did in my therapy is pretty much how he is and how he tends to interact with the world around him. Very much unable to respond to challenge and criticism in a constructive, thoughtful, respectful manner. Once the challenge starts, all goes downhill with him. He does that online all over the map but makes every effort to quickly remove any posts or comments on his media, including negative online reviews, whenever he can. He very skillfully set up his virtual reality in a way that he has that kind of power, which is, to me, just as fascinating as annoying. I would never be able to do that, or even would have the desire, as for me challenge and constructive criticism is what I thrive on the most, they are far more useful for me than mere support. But realistic, self-aware, respectful and open-minded challenge, not manipulation and defensiveness. I really despise the latter, and not because of some bad objects doing similar things to me in the past. I hate these because they are so against many of my basic values and, not surprisingly, because I intensely hated my own irresponsible and manipulative ways when I was in active addiction (as an adult).

I think that some of the T's behaviors reminded me a bit of what addiction turned me into. Not caregivers or other people. So, if we wish to interpret in the bad object context, I am my own bad object here, no one else. I discussed these things with the T extensively before I left, or more precise to say that I told him. It seemed to completely escape him somehow - he basically plain ignored some of my truest and most significant insights. Including my analyses on how my upbringing contributed to my later difficulties recognizing and accepting limits and to discipline issues. I really think he ignored them because they did not fit into his own universe and also, perhaps he was a bit envious that I don't happen to have the same stubborn problems he does and maybe a lot of his clients. And that I can easily see a variety of perspectives and think outside of the box. But my problems were not any less serious or destructive in my own life!

Anyhow, that T and I were simply just a bad fit. I do not think he is evil or totally useless, he can probably be quite helpful to clients who happen to fit in his specific modality and therapeutic interest. But too much of a specialist to be useful for me.

I could much better explore my life and challenges in an object relations context with my second T, whom I (this time around) consciously chose to fit a pattern. That guy I really liked and enjoyed the interactions with, much like I have tended to do with certain kinds of people throughout my life. But the therapy with him presented exactly the same kinds of limits - due mostly to both of us being too open-minded, freedom loving, accepting, no criticism, no conflict. This very recognition became helpful though in the end. If we want to put a twist on it, perhaps this second T was more a "bad object" for me because he really resembled a lot of people who treated me too freely in my life, including those who engaged in questionable affairs with me. I just did not perceive him as "bad" and I don't see the other people that way either. I like them maybe too much, and that liking can cause sometimes significant issues when I engage in pleasure-seeking too much and there are no external factors to limit it. That's how therapy with the second guy became very addiction-like. He understood it very well though and did not argue much when I decided to end the sessions. None of us were able to stop it right there though and we continued emailing (for free) off/on for about another year. Again, no good sense of limits and discipline. I've only truly realized lately that the feature I'd projected onto the second T so much (his "professionalism") was not really true. It's been finally over for a few months now though and I am relieved. I can't easily say I would not engage with a similar person again (not T, just everyday life) but I would try to draw better limits even if they won't. In fact, I experienced it more recently with a lawyer, and I was much faster to set clear boundaries and act on them than usually.

I think I know what kind of T might be good for me if I ever wanted to try again, but right now I don't feel a need for it, let alone no way I want to start another cycle of distraction. The lawyer was good because he at least provided superb service.

HT, sorry about digressing so much, I won't continue to distract from your thread topic more I also had that tonsillectomy with ether anesthesia, mine was at age 5. I still remember quite vividly some of the weird dreams during it and how sick I was coming to. Not a pleasant memory but, for me, nothing I perceive as traumatic, as far as I recall the medical staff was nice and I was definitely not ignored by my parents or something like that.

For me, a very effective way to work on myself in a broader object relations kind of sense has been participating in peer groups of all kinds, including using peer support for my issues. That is because, in my childhood, all the significant trauma came from my peers (other kids my age), so overcoming my hesitation to engage and actively contribute has been both enlightening and transformative for me. It is also a main reason why I continue to post on this forum, although here the actual topics interest me very much for their own sake. I guess I could have potentially found similar usefulness in group therapy, but why to pay for a limited group if I can find much better and more varied ones for free and without much limitation and structure?

I also like that part of the article about how we can influence the other person to the point that they won't clearly know what comes from whom really. I think this happens all the time in ordinary human interactions as well and I like to pay attention to it. I think it often takes a great deal of attention and self-awareness to recognize and tell apart these things.