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Originally Posted by golden_eve
I don’t know the backstory at all, but I am wondering how you were treated when at a low point? No one should ever be treated poorly in a relationship, not ever. Respect and loving kindness need to be shown at all times, even through low points, within a healthy relationship dynamic. And I don’t know your prior stance on things or what specifically happened, but sounds like you’re backtracking from any legitimate prior complaints you may have had about him.
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You do know much of the backstory.
I impulsively deleted the accounts/usernames Mysterious/Hopingtrying. I shouldn't have this account because it was against the rules to have two accounts at once when I created the Nowinners account. At the time, I was taking steps to divorce H. I was really scared during the process and imagined that by letting anonymous people at PC know what was going on that it would keep me safer. I am afraid I imagined to myself that I might turn up dead. I was having terrrible problems with anxiety and delusions, ultimately dropping the whole divorce thing. And perhaps I was just really anxious about making it without him. He does a lot for me. We haven't always consistently shown respect and loving kindness to each other but we are trying and things are much better.
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes
I think that you have this ongoing feeling that in order to make progress you need to win. I see you picked your PC name as "Nowinners". What does that mean to you? Doe it mean if you don't get your way, or if you are somehow feeling bad that you are a loser?
I think our society tends to put way too much focus on winning and losing, and tends to encourage this mindset in very young children too. One thing this has proven to work well in is "marketing" in that many products try to create this idea that if you own the product you are a "winner" and if you don't you should feel bad. Winners only wear this sneaker, winners only drive this car, winners wear this designer label, etc., the list is actually endless. It's much better to pay attention to how you may subconsciously buy into this "winner and loser" imprinting is all about and work towards freeing yourself from thinking you are only a winner if, otherwise you are a loser and should feel bad.
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It meant that I felt he was willing to "damage" both of us if necessary in order to take vengence on me if I went through with a divorce (maybe this was partly delusional thinking?) but you are right, society puts way to much pressure on people in regards to winning and losing. I am guilty of putting that pressure on my husband, myself and our children.
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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky
Sometimes it's good to ask yourself whether you're really happy with a person or not...  |
I do not want to start my life over but want to live in the present moment and be a better wife and mother. It seems to be helping for the most part....
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Originally Posted by Sisabel
Without more info it’s hard to tell if you’re in the “honey moon” phase that is part of an unhealthy relationship cycle... or if you are wanting to take more accountability for your own behaviors in the relationship... maybe it’s both. Best wishes to you. Relationships are hard and there will be ups and downs... but definitely you should always feel loved and respected and safe.
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We have had lots of "honey moon" phases. I have issues with mood swings. I have been looking more critically at my role in it all. I have some codependent traits--there have been times both H and I get aggravated over both silly and serious control issues when we are under stress but I am getting better at putting the past behind me. There were good times but also dark ones too. I'd like to think that my new awareness will prevent me from ever getting that way again. I do feel loved and safe. I used to worry about being "respected"--I don't now, I think respect is earned and I get respect when I deserve. I sometimes feel like people love me more than I really deserve given some of the things I have done in my life. I am lucky. My problems are mostly my own doing.
Didn't really mean to cause this much discussion. Guess I was just trying to say, "When you are unhappy in a relationship, look inside too."