Tonight's a hard one. I can't sleep and it's just past three in the morning, I'm not even tired. I was tired and going to sleep, but then my head got loud like it's been intermittently all day. I was feeling pretty alright today since I accomplished so much yesterday. But then I kept getting this intrusive thought telling me, "You're not better. Why are you pretending to be," and, "This is just denial. You'll crash again soon. That's all you do." That was during the day. Tonight my mind has travelled back to that dark place, the place where I can't help but think of death. My death mostly, but just death. Now it's gone from that topic over to.... I know this is a safe place. It's not that I'm a danger to myself, I can't work up the motivation to sit up straight, how the **** would I be able to do anything like that. I'm sitting on the porch of my friend's place at the moment, just listening to all the sounds the city has to offer. There isn't much to do right now. I could go on another walk to try and ease my mind. I just don't think it'll help. It didn't earlier. I guess being on the right meds doesn't mean that every symptom goes away. I should know that anyway. My head keeps telling me I'm in for a relapse, I don't know, maybe it's right. I can't stay functional for very long before something happens. Maybe at this point it's a self-fulfilling prophecy and I'm setting myself up for failure. It's what I deserve for what I've done. More than that, it's the only way I know how to live. This life without it, I can't grow accustomed to. I don't fit in here. I never did anywhere.